I’m Sorry 

Having an erratic mind can often lead me down the wrong path, because I’m too busy in my head to see where I’m going. 

Suddenly I snap out of my seemingly endless day dream, look around and discover I’m lost. 

Sometimes it’s too late and spending too long in Lala Land, I come back and I’ve lost the people around me. I’ve hurt them and not even realised. I have been too busy thinking about myself, I’ve simply been selfish. I hurt, yes, but I tend to forget that other people hurt too and it isn’t until recently that I have chosen to ignore this. 

I have the chance to move on and I actually see a future where I can finally feel like I belong, but if I don’t get my head out of the clouds then I will only have myself to blame if it’s gone when I reawaken. 

To those I have hurt because I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling in the past when I could be enjoying the present, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry that my emotions sometimes take on a life of their own and I absentmindedly allow that to negatively affect you. I’m sorry that it’s taken until now to realise that this is something I’ve done. I’m sorry that I’ve at times become unapproachable because you have no idea how I will react to sometimes the smallest things. 

For someone who thinks constantly, I really haven’t thought about my actions. Yes I’ve been through tough times, but who hasn’t? It does not mean I have to be the woman scorned and punish others who are trying to care about me and make me happy. 

I have had a wake up call and for once I really see the bigger picture. 

Suddenly I’m calm. Suddenly I realised that the happiness I’ve been chasing all my life is right in front of me. Suddenly things don’t seem so bad. 

I really need to find a way to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. I want to be someone who inspires and brings smiles to those around me. 

I have an idea for a series of short stories and I want to turn any negative energy into creative energy and write something meaningful and I want to prove to myself that I can control my emotions in a healthy way that keeps others in my life as happy as they make me. 

Until next time, wish me luck!

-Sara

Featured image.

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85 Comments

  1. Good realization. Better late than never, right? I know that territory very well. Just keep moving in the right direction. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I enjoyed this, but there’s something in the last paragraph that doesn’t sit right: ” I want to prove to myself that I can control my emotions in a healthy way that keeps others in my life as happy as they make me.” You are not responsible for the happiness of others, and they are not responsible for your happiness. Your happiness must come from a place within. Now it might be that seeing other people happy makes you feel good, which is fine. All I’m saying is that sometimes it’s OK, even NECESSARY to consider yourself before considering others. Because if you DO feel good seeing them happy, then THEY’LL feel good seeing YOU happy. So you enter this feedback loop.

    Of course, being the cynic I am I’d also say that too many people strive for happiness as if it’s the most important thing in the world when it isn’t. But that’s a story for another time. The positivity in this post is strong, and you’d better make damn sure you write those stories because I want to read them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know I am not responsible for anybody else’s happiness, but I definitely can and will be more considerate towards other people in future. I have been thinking about the stories for over a year, so they’re coming.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “For someone who thinks constantly, I really haven’t thought about my actions.” I understand this. Sounds like you’ve had a meaningful revelation, and I’m glad you’re going to channel energy into writing and then share it. I’ve found doing that is quite helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. The first time I posted the first part of a story, I was quite apprehensive. I don’t feel that way about poetry, though. As a wise friend told me once, “If you’re scared to do something, do it scared.” Easier said than done, of course, and it’s advice I’ll be following soon when I stretch my creative muscles and try some different approaches to poetry.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Good luck. I’m reading fern cotton boom ‘Happy’ so much of it reflects the feelings of dwelling in past and also the happy that we try and fail to achieve. It is worth a look for some inspiration x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am, generally speaking, but as I am certain you know, under the brightest light our shadows are harshest, most prominent and they are always there even in the darkness. The past will never go away and the hurt will never be erased, but I am learning to enjoy the spaces in between and allowing them to shine upon me even when the light is at its dimmest. I enjoy your blog, thanks for putting all you do out there.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I say sorry a lot, because I think it is all my fault. I do believe though that you have done nothing inherently wrong. Maybe you are still finding faults in yourself even where there are none. I do, however, love the positivity it seems to have given you, the burst of energy you seemingly lacked so much. I hope you can ride this wave for a long time to come. Fingers crossed for you and am eagerly awaiting the short stories.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am one of your two thousand followers, I enjoy your writing because you always express your feelings. I fail to see the negativity that you speak of and I feel that positive and negative forces can live together inside all of us, maybe not in harmony, but each side has its own place in time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think those around me will probably understand because they see it all. I can obviously pick and choose what I share on my blog and I’ve never really voiced the fact that sometimes it can be me.

      Like

  7. I can tell you from congruence–you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Many of the short stories I wrote for class I took from my childhood. Some were fun, and some were not so fun. All the same, when you get into material like that, the story will tend to write itself and you may often write yourself into some epiphany. I remember writing one about the day my father was killed, I was only 12, and I remember just sprawling along writing it and when it came to the end I simply blurted out that “suddenly–the world was bigger than I knew, and crueler than I imagined.”

    And it just kind of hung there in the air and the entire class was like where did that come from?

    I think I made most of my classmates bawl on more than one occasion, but when you embrace your story, embody the character that I often like to write about myself in the third person, things just come flying out of you that you didn’t even know were there.

    I love writing short fiction, then again they are work, and again you never seem to finish them.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Looking forward to reading your short stories…and I do know exactly this feeling and I’ve been there before. It’s a struggle and a personal one as well. I know the hurt and pain…I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Just know that I am here for you…we are all here for you if you need a friend to talk to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Charlie, thank you. You are always so kind and supported and it doesn’t go unappreciated. It is amazing how many truly caring people there are in this community, it’s nothing like any of the other social media platforms I have used and it’s wonderful.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so very welcome my friend.

        Your right. WordPress is a caring supportive community and the way you feel is exactly how I feel about this community. I’d rather always prefer being here than social media.
        Which I don’t have and I’d be more safer here. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a great piece. I don’t suppose anyone really wants to admit that they do things which are selfish. I was in denial for so long that I didn’t realise until now that my emotions were just overpowering other’s and so much so that I would just tend not to notice. That was very selfish of me and I hope that from now on I can keep those other people in mind as much as I do myself. Thank you for sharing this.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree! Recognizing a characteristic that others sometimes consider “unfavorable” can transform its effect. (And, I am not talking about “changing” the characteristic. Some parts of us are born into us and will never change. But sometimes what we “do” (or “do not do”) can be different.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, that is true but to make ourselves happy we have to be somewhat selfish. It is hard to do if we are used to self-sacrifice and we are extremely caring 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Sara! You wrote just my heart. Oh My God! I mean it. This is straight to my heart. I really created a big mistake no a blunder I have to say. Yes, because I can’t able to forget my past and when one entered in my life and made my life heaven. I become careless. I started ignoring that sweet soul. Now one has left me because I committed a big blunder. There may be hope to come back but till now that beautiful soul is very angry with me. I daily pray to God that we get together. Daily I fight with myself for my stupid behavior. Love your sweet story. Best of Luck Sara. Inspiring lines. I can feel you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. if I feel pain I can write about it. If I feel love I can write about it. if our characters walk around without feeling and sharing feelings what have we accomplished? If our readers feel our happiness, our pain, our isolation, our anger and can love with passion, and understand why we make our wise or dumb choices then our writing has meaning. I wish I could feel more and love more because when I tried to love and feel less I began dying inside. I want to feel less after I die and more while I live. Sara, live with gusto. Love with passion. Write with your heart full of feeling. Your words, poems, and stories inspire others. Let your light burn brightly.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Love your honesty….I think we are all guilty of this. I remember when some work colleagues thought I was ‘up myself’ this wasn’t the case, it’s just that I struggled to communicate and would miss social cues due to anxiety. You are not alone…also love the art work 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’d often worry so much about that moment about how they see me and what to do that I’d miss the moment. People would think I didn’t care about their feelings or their efforts to bond and see me as aloof 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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