Hello Anxiety

*I just want to thank everybody who took the time to share tips and advice with me. I have coped much better today than I did yesterday and I am actually starting to feel excited about the trip and not panicked.*

I am currently on day two of an anxiety ordeal. This always always happens a week before I start travelling. It does not matter that I have done it a hundred times, I does not matter that there is nothing to worry about, it does not matter that when the travelling portion begins I am perfectly fine. My brain just seems to forget all of that and flips out.

I have no coping method. After failing to tell myself over and over again “please just be normal, please just be normal” no amount of pep talking seems to do the trick. Now I cannot sleep and I will not eat much, not because I do not want to, but because I cannot.

This whole thing is irrational and I cannot understand why it keeps happening. I feel nauseous, my mood just drops to nothing, I get over heated, sometimes I get itchy, sometimes I physically throw up. I have to frequent the bathroom because of my nerves. I get constant heart palpitations.

It feels like unexplainable worry, borderline panic. Nothing I can do can take this anxiety away. I literally have to ride it out. It makes for long days and hot sleepless nights.

This part of me seems like the only thing I will never be able to conquer, because no matter what I do or what I have done to prove to myself that there is nothing to feel nervous about, my brain cannot seem to comprehend this actual fact.

I cannot even distract myself, because it is there, poking me in the head like Chinese water torture. I feel like I have three knots inside me, one in my throat, one in my chest and one in my stomach and the more I try and relax, the tighter they get. Sometimes I gets so bad that I literally cannot breathe. I have to lay there and just hope for the best.

Then suddenly, I make my trip and everything goes back to normal and I feel like nothing has happened and I am like what the hey?! Seriously brain, please get it together because I am stronger than this and you are letting the team down.

I have two more days until I travel and no clue how to deal with this. If you have any tips or advice, I am willing to try anything.

Until next time, breathe…


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