Follow up

In regards to yesterday's post:

Yesterday I wrote a post called Depression doesn't make you a monster.
I wrote this post because of a situation that occurred that started to make me feel the way I expressed in that piece of writing. This happened yesterday with somebody, I am not going to say who because it does not matter.

After writing this post, I showed it to said person because I wanted to show them how I was feeling in hopes that they would understand a bit better and I could finally get my issue across.

Instead of getting understanding from that person, they got offended and I could not understand why. Now at this point, please do not side with me. It took a while of back and forth, tears and actual communication before I realised why and that reason is why I am writing this follow up.

I actually feel guilty for all of the comments I received on the previous post, because I do not deserve that support. What happened for me to feel isolated was my fault and mine alone. Whatever I happen to write about on this blog comes from a place of honesty and I would not uphold that mindset if I did not share the real reason why I ended up feeling alone yesterday.

Firstly, I want to apologise to the person who I offended with my post and I want them to know that I did feel like way at the time and even without this epiphany, I was not targeting them or calling them out in anyway. I was simply reaching out for understanding.

Sticking with the honest theme, what I did last night has left me losing more people than I care to admit. When I get depressed, I push people away. I push people away with such ease that apparently it is in my muscle memory and I do not even realise I am doing it.
I pushed this person away twice yesterday when they tried to be there for me and in turn they felt rejected and were left not knowing what to do. When I voiced my upset about feeling ignore that further offended this person and they told me that they felt cornered. Admittedly I did not understand this at first because I just did not see it, I was too busy being selfish about my own feelings that I point blank refused to see how it was affecting anybody else and I totally missed the point.

This got me thinking, how many more people have I treated this way? At what point or what sentence did I spew out that pushed them so far they ran away.

I preached yesterday about depression being the monster and not the person, but I turned into that monster and did not even realise and this has given me a lot to ponder.

When the conversation finally turned to realisation I thought back to when I said the things that inevitably pushed this person away and I recall knowing that if I said this it would most likely cause upset, but I said it anyway and then forgot because I became too wrapped up in myself.

Why can I not just say I am having a bad day and please be there if I need you? It is that simple, is it not? Why do I have to be close to ruining a friendship or relationship to the point where it is too late to salvage before I realise what I have done. I have this compulsion to self destruct when things are going well then I have the nerve to complain or cry about the bad things in my life.

I lost my best friend last year because I did something similar. I can not even get in touch with them any more. It got to a point where they would rather I did not exist in their world than to have to deal with my ups and downs and I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and not I understanding why they would "suddenly" stop talking to me and until now I never looked at the true meaning. The reason was because everybody has a point of no return and I pushed them to that point. I doubt my friend will ever speak to me again and I only have myself to blame.

If you know me personally or if we have even chatted online, I may have put you through this and I want to apologise for being selfish and making my feelings so overpowering that I made you feel like yours did not matter.

I think because I have this label (depression) I have been using it as an excuse to act however I want without regard to anyone else and I tell you what, now I see it, I really am the monster.

I have always said to myself that I can do this alone, but the simple fact is that I can not. So I am finally seeking help from professionals. I should have done this more than half my life ago, when I had to see a psychiatrist for doing something really stupid. My teenage self thinking so stubbornly "I don't want to take pills, they just give you pills to shut you up and make you have no feelings" and I carried that stupid statement all the way into adulthood. I have grown up now and it is time to get the help that was offered to me then.

Although I stand by the statement that depression is the monster, in my case I let the monster take over and for that I am sorry.

Until next time, be honest with yourself even if the truth is not what you want to hear.

– Sara

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75 Comments

  1. I love your depth and honesty. There is another layer to you feeling alone perhaps. You may be tapping into the Universal feeling of loneliness that is permeating this planet right now. We have been conditioned as a species to be isolated in thoughts and feelings. It is a form of control. You may be releasing this issue, not only for your self but for all of humanity. It is a noble thing to face, express, distinguish and release. Thank you for your heart and depth. This is not a defense of any reaction or drama around it. That is merely a process of trying to figure out what has been kept from us. The reason we feel so flawed as individuals is that we have been kept privy of the whole equation of our dynamic makeup. It is like trying to resolve a math problem without all the variable. You do better than most.. Sending love and encouragement to you and all the struggling God beings working to transcend without access to the blueprint. It is Amazing so many still try. But we will succeed. This is what this lifetime is for, That is why you and I write. I appreciate your truth in the world.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I have two comments to make Sara. Stop being so hard on yourself! Being hard on yourself is the monster of depression. So, be compassionate with yourself instead.

    Second point – how amazing that you are willing to look at how depression can lead you to pushing people away. How amazing that you can listen honestly as well as speak honestly. Hearing your friend is honest listening.

    Oh a third point. Your courage to seek help is amazing. Well done you.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Hey mate, firstly i can’t accept an apology for something i’m guilty of doing myself. But admitting guilt is good, it’s refreshing really and cleans the soul. πŸ™‚
    Secondly as i said i’ve also pushed people away including yourself in the past. But i think we both accept eachother and that we’re not perfect.

    I’m proud that you’re seeking professional help, and i truly hope it helps you too. Always here whenever needed hu, same as i know you would be for me x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sara, the way these two posts read I feel you’re subconsciously and cleverly working out your own solution, what works for you. If you’re feeling a bit better now after the recent upsets……..then all opinions are redundant, you are getting a handle on things. I would just say that if we had a visible illness we wouldn’t need to explain. I think professional help is good. I’ve just had an assessment and have written a piece on voices called inside the mind of a poet, may give you a giggle. It’s not for me due to my other health issues but I truly believe cognitive. behavior therapy is excellent.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It appears that you have discovered that you are not your depression, but sometimes you can be. I have found that I can be perfectly happy when I am experiencing an episode. I observe myself as an impartial witness, I notice that I can sense it approaching it gets gradually more intense then begins to subside and it passes like a cloud. It is heartening that through talking it out you have grown in understanding, which is so important. Congratulations. I’m opposed to saying that one shouldn’t feel a certain way. If you feel bad, watch it, feel it and it too will pass, right? Thank you for sharing -Jeff

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Don’t beat yourself up. You are correct. Depression is difficult to deal with and you have a right to express your feelings. They are yours and yours alone. Your friend has a right to express them as well. The problem that I see is when people do not express their feelings which is what I have recently been dealing with. Hence my struggles with mild depression and full blown anxiety/panic attacks. When someone you love closes themself off from you and doesn’t express their feelings, this causes problems for them and the ones they love. It is never good to isolate yourself entirely because it is unhealthy. It is ok to take time for yourself. That time to be alone when needed so you can be mindful but you still need to get out and be around people. That is what I have always encouraged my mother to do. It doesn’t mean that you need to be with someone. You can still be alone. Live by yourself. Not be in a committed relationship. You just shouldn’t be lonely. Do things for yourself so you aren’t lonely. Writing, reading, work, walking, running, the gym, talking with close friends and my close family, being with my dogs helps me to not be lonely. To hide your feelings from the ones you love creates major problems in relationships. That is not the depression that is the person pushing people away. That is the person not being honest and hiding their feelings. That is when trust can be broken between friends, family, and partners. Trust is the most important thing and when someone loses trust they feel isolated and depression or for me the anxiety gets worse. It is good that you recognize both sides. That is important. It shows that you are refective and honest with your feelings. You are not afraid to say what you are feeling and you are willing to listen. You shouldn’t feel like you need to apologize because it is all about compromises and that other person should also understand their part and be willing to compromise as well if they are to be friends with you. Keep communicating with others. Keep writing. Keep being compassionate with yourself and with others. That is why you feel guilty right now because you are compassionate. And yes professional help is good too! It is a person who you can talk to, vent get things off your chest. Someone who is non judgemental yet honest. Sometimes friends and family can be to hard or harsh when you need them to have a softer touch. Sometimes you need your friends and family to be harsh and tough to keep the monster – depression or anxiety- under control. I am really glad you wrote these two posts. I enjoyed reading and communicating with others who get what I have been dealing with lately.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey, I definitely agree with what you are saying. It is a pity things aren’t straightforward and not only is it different with every individual sometimes it can differ within their own circumstance too. I do not blame people for not wanting to be around me when I have spent so much time pushing them away then being surprised when they actually leave. It is like I try to see how far they will go, with an uncontrollable compulsion and this is what i need help with. I do not know if it is something that can be helped, but I can’t afford not to try.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a great piece, but just one comment on the last point – Seeking professional help does not have to result in you taking medication. There’s other routes to help which don’t involve taking pills – CBT helped me tremendously. And just to comment of what others have said, it may well be depression is the monster and not you, but its up to you and nobody else to slay that monster, and ultimately it is you, not the monster who is responsible for your actions.

    It’s not easy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Karl, I do realise that now. It was just my mindset for so long and it is what stopped me from going to see a GP, that and after an episode I feel fine and think I do not need help until I go full circle again.

      Like

  8. [Note: Looking at my comment after completing it, it is really really long. I have been dealing with my mood disorders and relationship in an extreme way over the past nine months, and it just came pouring out here. If you don’t want to have this posted in the comment section and delete it, I understand. Thanks though for posting your honest feeling and thoughts in this post. Peace.]

    First off, bravo for deciding to go to a psychiatrist. But you might want to also consider therapy / support group as well. My pills help level out the high and lows of my manic-depression and decrease the intensity and frequency of my anxiety / panic attacks; but the pills don’t do anything for the feelings of regret, self-reproach etc, Without the work I do with my therapist, I would still be a mess even though I take my prescribed medication.

    With that said, although I am not my disability, I do have a disability. I am doing my best given that disability to improve myself (and learn to love myself), but my disability still manifests itself in my dailty life. When it comes to relationships these days, I am honest with people about my limitations, that at times I might not have the strength to be there for them, that at times I might be an asshat because my disability has for the moment consumed me.

    So now if the person still decides to be a part of my life and say to me that they “understand” what I going through and what it might mean for our interactions and relationship over time, if they then can’t take it, that’s on them, not me.

    They are not a bad person for this. Everybody needs to receive something from a relationship and the reality may be that because of my disability i cannot give them that “something.” It is what it is. They’re not a bad, and on the flip side I am not a bad person.

    The situation I commented about on your previous post was just that situation. She said she “understood,” but when confronted with a bad trough of mood on my part, she decided that she wasn’t getting the response from me that she wanted. That’s fine. What was not fine was the rage that was then directed towards me as if somehow I betrayed her, that I somehow purposively sabotaged the relationship.

    If would be no different than getting into a relationship with someone who has cancer and then becoming extremely upset that the person doesn’t have all this energy to go mountain biking and rock climbing.

    My disability has made me pushed people away, and that is on me. Through therapy I have struggled and continue to struggle with the feelings of the wreckage I have caused. But now I can say I am trying my hardest and if people still can’t deal with me, than there’s nothing I can do about that. It doesn’t make me a bad person that I have these limitations.

    Sorry for rambling on like this. I’m still feeling the sting of the rage from someone who said they “understood” my disability. It undermined years of therapy through which I was trying to gain a sense of self, to move away from suicidal thoughts, to be a better person.

    As you say ” be honest with yourself even if the truth is not what you want to hear.” but also resist having people pulling the rug out from under you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m am happy for you to vent anywhere on my blog, if it helps you then it’s a great thing and you may even help somebody else. I can see what you are saying, I just got to a point where I knew I could have avoided the situation if I had just shut my mouth but I felt compelled and that was on me. I do agree that there has to be a level of understanding but in my personal situation, I have a responsibility to curb my behavior where possible and not use anything as an excuse to act out whenever I want to. I don’t wish to be on pills and I will avoid that at all costs. I am going to see my GP about my options and go from there. I wish you luck and if you ever need to vent or talk, I am happy to lend an ear.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks for the space to vent. And I have had my share of using my condition as an excuse. And I’ve had definitely love/hate relationship with pharmaceuticals. There are plenty of non-pill methods from therapy to meditation that can help. All the best. Peace. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Hi Sara.
    I’m still gonna support you, even if you are a bit of a monster sometimes. I think we all do things like that and don’t realise it. I know I don’t communicate with my friends and family as often as I should and I’ve realised that when we do communicate, it is usually them calling me. I need to change my behaviour too.
    It took courage to write this post and you should be proud of yourself. You’ll get through this.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Feelings are an involuntary response. Nobody can stop feeling their emotion, not even through substances. No pill or drink is going to make hurtful emotions just disappear. Nor should you stop feeling your emotions.
    I agree with the above comments, this is not about you, the other person, me, or them. It is a human condition. You likely do not need pills from therapy, you need direction. You need mental tools to consciously deal with situations because your knee-jerk reaction is really where it goes wrong. Counseling, review and learning from situations, is the best way to prevent our self destruction in the future.
    I wish you all the best in your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I read both the posts. And I have to say you are brave. Even though I do not hide the fact that I suffer from depression, I find it very hard to write about it in first person. Because it’s difficult and confronting. I hardly visit my parents as we live in different cities, and when I do I always end up having a fight or a stressful situation with them. I don’t think they deserve it. My standard defence generally happens to be that I suffer from a mental condition, hence they need to love and support me more than what they are doing. I know this is ridiculous, and I feel terrible about it, but at the moment of arguments I fail to stay rational. Your posts bring back those realisations which I already know but try to hide from myself. Thank you for being so open and forthcoming. You are not a monster. You are only too human.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Raenegade. I understand what you are saying. I am finding the more I put out the flaws of what I do the more mindful I am that I am doing those things. My only problem is I am unstable and sometimes logic goes out of the window and I feel all the hard work I put in can be ruined in a literal minute. I can’t afford to keep doing this and it is why I am going to see if I can get any help for controlling it.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I think that pushing people away is part of the nature of depression. I think we want to know that somebody thinks that, even when we are low and deep in depression, that they still value us as somebody that they want in their life.

    On the flip side, depression is a whole other world that that person can’t even begin to understand. It’s like having WW2 battling inside your body and mind and soul and that other person doesn’t even have a clue. They can’t see it or feel it or hear it. I had a friend that I lost because she didn’t understand the physical pain my depression gives me. My back hurts, my hair hurts, breathing feels like a chore instead of something that happens naturally and automatically. She didn’t understand that depression can settle in your bones.

    Depression puts you in a different place than other people, friends.

    I’m so sorry you now feel guilty for what happened. I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s hard to be present with others when you’re miles away inside yourself, and not in a selfish way, and they don’t understand.

    I hope you will continue to write about your experience. You are very brave for expressing your interaction with depression.

    Thank you for being honest.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Pink Lady. I have been trying to “cure” myself for many years now. I have done a lot of research and I understand things from a logical standpoint, I just can’t control my unstable emotions or behaviour no matter how logical I try to be about it. I am hoping I can get help with this side, because I have tried and failed too many times.

      Like

  13. I did not expect to see a post like this today. But I respect what you are experiencing. I still think depression is a monster and it is just that that causes us to push people away when what we really want is for them to be there for us. It is hard and a fine line. Still congratulations for your continued honesty and introspection.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. I’m the same way, exactly. I’m always the monster. I realized it a long time ago but I’ll never change.

    I’m glad that you’re seeking professional help, dear. I still tell myself that statement about the pills… I hope that it all goes well for you and that you mend your friendship or relationship soon. πŸ’–

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Sara,
    One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to still learn is that it is okay to feel and respond. Even if it’s not correct or ideal I have this right (though not always the capacity). Had you not responded what would the situation look like? While difficult now the fact that all of the cards are out in the long term may make for better days. At least days without biting your tongue

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I do not feel the need to bite my tongue, but my communication skills can definitely improve. There are hundreds of ways to say the same thing and I tend to choose the harsh and offensive ways and I know that I do it and feel a sudden compulsion to do so, which is what I really need to work on.

      Liked by 2 people

  16. Your writing is incredibly honest. I’m glad that you are seeking help! If you need to talk or vent outside of your blog, feel free to send me an email. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in the summer of 2015, and I want to be an advocate, and a friend, for those who have anxiety and depression. It’s on my Contact page on my blog, hotshotheadlines.wordpress.com.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. You mention about losing a best friend and many friends, through essentially pushing them away and blocking them out. I too have done this. While some of the “friendships” i’ve pushed away I’ve never really gone to chase , there is one that I regret. To this day I have no idea why they don’t talk to me anymore, but I do feel it’s because I wasn’t in a good place at the time..

    I’m different now, stronger, and while i’ve tried to reach out to her, and say a simple sorry , and explain things, she doesn’t want to even know who I am. Which hurts. It also hurts that she still talks to my partner on a daily basis, and that we are storing half her furniture here. It hurts me that she won’t even say a simple hello , but I too sit here and think “have I done this?” “I’m trying to fix it” “but I can’t” …

    Anyway, I wanted to tell you that you’re not alone ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am sorry that you have to deal with that, especially if the person is still in your life. The friend I lost I doubt I will ever hear from again, let alone see so I really feel for you if that person is in your life but doesn’t acknowledge you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. yeh it’s quite hard, actually it prompted me to write my latest entry. It’s often hard to escape and then the memories start which is the hardest. I’m sure you’re the same , when the good memories flow back … 😦

        Liked by 1 person

  18. The process worked. If you had not been honest about how you felt, effectively forcing a conflict, you would not have had the opportunity to negotiate and understand each other’s perspective. Kudos to your friend who didn’t disengage and kudos to you for starting the conversation in the first place and listening to the response. This is the way it’s supposed to work. It’s not supposed to be easy, or pretty. It’s
    A success, and a rare one, just to get there. Most people these days don’t change, and most people don’t expect to be able to change anyone else. But it can happen.

    Liked by 3 people

  19. This is only my second post of yours Sara, in which I have read. However, have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy treatments, such as automatic thought sheets, or even getting a sports clicker and just clicking it each time you have a depressive thought and tracking it at the end of each day? I hope you do get better Sara and to have a good day.

    Liked by 2 people

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