In regards to yesterday's post:
Yesterday I wrote a post called Depression doesn't make you a monster.
I wrote this post because of a situation that occurred that started to make me feel the way I expressed in that piece of writing. This happened yesterday with somebody, I am not going to say who because it does not matter.
After writing this post, I showed it to said person because I wanted to show them how I was feeling in hopes that they would understand a bit better and I could finally get my issue across.
Instead of getting understanding from that person, they got offended and I could not understand why. Now at this point, please do not side with me. It took a while of back and forth, tears and actual communication before I realised why and that reason is why I am writing this follow up.
I actually feel guilty for all of the comments I received on the previous post, because I do not deserve that support. What happened for me to feel isolated was my fault and mine alone. Whatever I happen to write about on this blog comes from a place of honesty and I would not uphold that mindset if I did not share the real reason why I ended up feeling alone yesterday.
Firstly, I want to apologise to the person who I offended with my post and I want them to know that I did feel like way at the time and even without this epiphany, I was not targeting them or calling them out in anyway. I was simply reaching out for understanding.
Sticking with the honest theme, what I did last night has left me losing more people than I care to admit. When I get depressed, I push people away. I push people away with such ease that apparently it is in my muscle memory and I do not even realise I am doing it.
I pushed this person away twice yesterday when they tried to be there for me and in turn they felt rejected and were left not knowing what to do. When I voiced my upset about feeling ignore that further offended this person and they told me that they felt cornered. Admittedly I did not understand this at first because I just did not see it, I was too busy being selfish about my own feelings that I point blank refused to see how it was affecting anybody else and I totally missed the point.
This got me thinking, how many more people have I treated this way? At what point or what sentence did I spew out that pushed them so far they ran away.
I preached yesterday about depression being the monster and not the person, but I turned into that monster and did not even realise and this has given me a lot to ponder.
When the conversation finally turned to realisation I thought back to when I said the things that inevitably pushed this person away and I recall knowing that if I said this it would most likely cause upset, but I said it anyway and then forgot because I became too wrapped up in myself.
Why can I not just say I am having a bad day and please be there if I need you? It is that simple, is it not? Why do I have to be close to ruining a friendship or relationship to the point where it is too late to salvage before I realise what I have done. I have this compulsion to self destruct when things are going well then I have the nerve to complain or cry about the bad things in my life.
I lost my best friend last year because I did something similar. I can not even get in touch with them any more. It got to a point where they would rather I did not exist in their world than to have to deal with my ups and downs and I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and not I understanding why they would "suddenly" stop talking to me and until now I never looked at the true meaning. The reason was because everybody has a point of no return and I pushed them to that point. I doubt my friend will ever speak to me again and I only have myself to blame.
If you know me personally or if we have even chatted online, I may have put you through this and I want to apologise for being selfish and making my feelings so overpowering that I made you feel like yours did not matter.
I think because I have this label (depression) I have been using it as an excuse to act however I want without regard to anyone else and I tell you what, now I see it, I really am the monster.
I have always said to myself that I can do this alone, but the simple fact is that I can not. So I am finally seeking help from professionals. I should have done this more than half my life ago, when I had to see a psychiatrist for doing something really stupid. My teenage self thinking so stubbornly "I don't want to take pills, they just give you pills to shut you up and make you have no feelings" and I carried that stupid statement all the way into adulthood. I have grown up now and it is time to get the help that was offered to me then.
Although I stand by the statement that depression is the monster, in my case I let the monster take over and for that I am sorry.
Until next time, be honest with yourself even if the truth is not what you want to hear.