Hello one and all, I hope you are well.
It is week two of taking anxiety medication and until today they were working great. I have been calm and collected and have been told by others that I seem more relaxed. There is not more I could ask for than this.
It seems that my everyday anxiety can be controlled by taking three small pills everyday, so to me that is one small battle won.
They have proved though, to not be able to get me through a stressful situation or something that brings on the old emotions. Which is a shame, but I can not expect miracles. Today I took my maximum dosage and try as I might to let them help me, the anxiety broke through and it won.
There are many reasons why today has been stressful for me – hormonal changes, the end of an era, the realisation that the path I have chosen I will have to walk soon, that niggling feeling of worry in the back of my mind that I have been ignoring for a long time now. Trying not to worry about me messing everything up.
My usual stance is run. I have ran from every potentially scary situation which could either go great or terrible. I did not take the chance, I just fled. Fortunately for me, I deem these the right decisions every time. This time it is different. I am scared, but I am not at the same time. I do not know if this is because I have not given myself the chance to think about it, or there is just no reason this time to be scared. That in itself scares me!
My life is about to change in an abundance of ways and right now I am incapable of fathoming how big a deal this really is. I need to make sure my eyes are open, but are they?
I really just want what most people in this world want: a place to call home, somewhere I belong, a dash of happiness and a purpose. Chasing purpose is tiring and leads me towards the path of self destruction. I end up not caring about myself or anything I do and that is neither good for me nor anyone around me.
For now I have security, but I feel like I am in a prison. My happiness is standing there on the other side, in the sunshine with a hand outstretched beckoning me. The key to my prison door is in the lock, I have the choice to turn the key and leave whenever I want, but I just lay there staring at it. Why? If you could tell me I would be eternally grateful because I have no idea.
It is not all doom and gloom. Generally I am feeling better, albeit slightly under motivated, but I believe that can be rectified. I am working on a project with a friend of mine which is very exciting and I will be happy when I have more time to concentrate on it.
I am going to be giving this writing gig a real shot and see if I can produce something that is worth reading. If I wrote a book, would you want to read it?
I apologise for these recent blathering blogs. Normality (or as close as I get) will resume shortly.
Until next time, hug someone and tell them you love them.