Limbo, a place I have always feared and strived to avoid. Now the place I have come to know the most, the place I call home.
My idea of Limbo is taking a step that leads into darkness. This darkness is not necessarily scary, but because I can not see what is in front of me, what is next to come, my fear levels rise so high that I run back into the light and I never discover what is passed said Limbo.
Now for the first time in my life, I am prepared to take that first step into the unknown. I do not know what will come of it, I just know that if I do not take this step I will never find the improvements in life that I do desperately seek. My fear of not having a plan or not seeing in my mind where I will be in the future is extreme. I have always had a safety net, but this time all I have is trust. Trust in myself that I can do it and trust that I have the support I need to go forward.
Usually by this point I would be thinking of all of the reasons not to proceed, but something is telling me that even though I do not even know where I will be in six months time, this is the right thing to do.
Am I foolish? Maybe. Am I brave? Perhaps. Am I doing the right thing? I will never know unless I try.
I do in fact trust in myself and more so my support system. I choose to view this as a new adventure, a new start, a new life. The thing I have been looking for is right there, even though I can not see it yet.
Everybody has to grow up at some point and I admittedly have taken much longer than most to do so. Even though I have even been married, it was something I did out of naivety hence why I said have been. I have played house before because I was following the steps of what I thought people my age did, but looking back I did not do it for the right reasons. I was overly influenced by those around me, thus wasting a lot of my time and of course relationships of the past. I could choose to see it that way, but of course perspectives can differ and I can also choose to see it as a learning curve and if I have actually learned then I can know for as sure as anyone can be, that this is the right thing for me now.
If I keep running away from commitment then I will constantly be starting again and after a certain point I will only have myself to blame. In all honesty I have already passed that point. For all of the times I have ran in the past, I do feel like it worked out for the best. At the point my flight over right instinct is not strong at all. Is that my instincts telling me this is the right thing to do?
For now my future is uncertain, but I am sure I am not the first person to be faced with this. Uncertainty does not always have to be associated with negativity does it? Or was that just what I led myself to believe?
All I know is my eyes are open and although I do not know what my future holds, it does not mean I do not have a future. I am scared, but I am sure that is normal. I am about to take a huge step and my life is about to change a whole lot.
The fact is, if I do not take that step into the unknown, I will always be in limbo. I would rather have a life worth living than live in fear. I have been through a lot in life, this is a good move and I should stop being afraid that good things can actually happen.
Until next time, wish me luck!