I do not know where this post is going to take us, all I know is I am feeling thoughtful and I feel the need to type said thoughts out.
On one hand I am thinking about nothing and on the other, I am thinking about everything. I know that neither of these are possible, but that is the only way I can describe my current state of mind.
It is a rare moment in my experience that I feel this calm and my worries have decided to give me a day off. I can just be. It is delightfully serene and these moments I treasure dearly for they are few and far between.
There is no particular structured to how I write my titles, they just appear as and when they feel like it. For this post, the title came about because I was recalling the “old me”, the me who was known to be as cynical as they come. After all of the hardships I have endured, my heart hardened and I would never fully trust anything or anyone. Everyone was on my suspect list and anything good or heartwarming honest to God made me feel nauseous. I was just not into it. This was because when I did let such feelings in, I always got burned. I had a genuine belief that I was destined to be unhappy.
If I could go back now and have a polite word with that cynical me, I would tell her that it is not in fact the rest of the world who was making her this way, it was her. I would tell her not to be too hard on herself about the fact, but instead take anything she could learn from it and move on. I would assure her that things can actually get better and she is not a fool to let those things happen. She need not worry just in case something goes wrong. For things can and will go in an unfavourable direction, but we simply adapt, learn and better ourselves when such an occasion occurs.
Along with my cynicism comes my stubborn self. I think the two may come hand in hand, but that may be why it took me so long to move away from my doubtful self. Stubborn, stuck in my ways. I kept secrets. I was so secretive that I got married in secret, I did not tell many people for over six months. I think I did this because I did not want the opinion of every man and his dog. Hearing their thoughts on subjects towards others put me off wanting the advice myself, so I kept it mostly to myself. In reality it was probably for fear that the marriage would not work out and I could not stand the thought of all of the “I told you so’s”. In the end it did not work out, but it did not really have anything to do with those fears, it is just something that happens. That is an extreme example of how closed off I used to be.
With the good people I have surrounded myself with, the subtle transitions of my train of thought and even this blog, I have learned to open up and not be so afraid that everybody is against me. Instead of trying to find the negative in my life, I open my eyes wider to the good and the positive and guess what? seek and ye shall find! My cynicism is slowly faded and although it will never fully dissipate, it is more balanced with the optimism which is making for much more meaningful life.
I have learnt that life is a journey from start to finish, you never really stop. You can however slow down, you can enjoy the scenery, you can laugh a little, share a few tears, find a reason to smile, see the beauty in everything, be truly grateful. Enjoy the journey it is already happening and there is no pause button. The lack of pause button means that we will make mistakes, we will slip up, falter, but that is perfectly okay. It is your journey, take your time, no matter what you think you have the time, it is up to you how you choose to spend it. I know of course we have our responsibilities, but always make time for yourself, whether it be a walk in the park, or reading a few pages of that untouched book on your bedside table. Once you learn how to fully appreciate the time you have, you might notice your priorities change.
I can not pretend to be an expert at life, but who of us really is? This is just my journey and I want to share it with you, because if there is one thing I have learnt, it is very lonely being closed off and insisting on taking the voyage alone.
Until next time, if you can think of at least one thing to smile about each day, you are on the right path!