Today I find myself in a bit of a bind. My unwelcome acquaintance, Anxiety has decided to pay me a visit. As soon as I start to feel fearless in simple everyday life, anxiety pops round uninvited to remind me that it is not that easy.
It is difficult to accept that I can not do “normal” every day things sometimes, it is not everything, it seems to be quite random. Today for instance I can not go swimming. Why? I have no idea why! I am just restricted to doing activities on the odd occasion because my anxiety says so. Sometimes I am so restricted that I can not even enjoy a mere thought of something, instead it becomes terrifying. In all honesty this makes me feel pathetic, I can not just go and do something that is supposed to be enjoyable.
I am currently stuck between a rock and a hard place and this is where I put myself. I have anxiety because I am forcing myself to go and I have anxiety because I can not just speak up and say I do not want to go for fear of being disappointing. So this inevitably adds more pressure and I have gotten myself into a hot mess. Pretty silly for such a small task, right?
If I could wave a magic wand and chance one thing about myself instantly, without a shadow of a doubt it would be this. I have spoken before about missing out on opportunities because of this anxiety and every time I think I have solved the case, I end up being stumped as to why it is happening again.
I should have just been open and said that I am not ready to go, but I honestly wanted to try and get over it so I could do it instead of looking pathetic. I waste so much time when I am like this, because it is easier to pass the time hiding away than being open about it, which thinking about that as I type this is equally pathetic.
With that being said I do a lot more now than my restrictions allowed me to do previously, so I suppose all I can do now is be open and appreciate that although it is a slow process, I am improving. Today just is not my day and I feel pretty sad about it and rather silly to be sharing this too, but I can not pretend things are good all the time. I also do not think it is right to only show one side of me that paints an unrealistic picture. So this is me today, dizzy, nauseous and a little bit stuck. I do hope with time the restrictions will lift further so I can feel what it is like to have a normal life.
I apologise for the gloomy blog entry, to make it up to you for getting this far, here is a picture of a waving hedgehog I found on the internet.
Until next time, take care.