I need to ask, because I would like to know I am not alone with this one: Do sadness and creativity go hand in hand?
I find this to be a regular occurrence for me. If I am in a depressive state my mind I can conjure up a limitless amount of ideas from all walks of life; they just come to me in gentle wisps that land like freshly fallen snow in my mind. When everything is fine and dandy the ideas suddenly stop flowing and I end up with nothing. You may have noticed by now that a lot of what I write can get pretty dark and it is a sad state of affairs to think that my only life experiences are bad ones, thus this reflects my writing style. I would believe that, but I create happiness in my dark times too.
There are so many jokes and stereotypes about writers acting “woe is me” most of the time as their persona, but I think in actual fact I do fit that stereotype. Not that I want to, I just do.
I very much enjoy creating poems and writing ideas for stories and characters, but I do not want it to come at the expense of my sound mind. I hope I can find a way to channel these ideas into my happier state too.
I use an app called Evernote and this is where I keep all of my story ideas and there are tens of them on there that just appeared out of nowhere. There are all kinds of genres and plots and I really think I could do something great with at least one of them. My problem is I write from my depressed state and I can get very far into the things I write and they help me a lot mentally. When I read through them again when I have snapped out of it, I judge and I convince myself that the worlds I want to create are too big for me and I should give up, so I do. And that is why I have an app full of unfinished, untold stories.
This may sound strange, but I feel like if I ever managed to bring one of those stories to life, I too would come to life with it. Perhaps that pressure does not help my situation. There are also the obvious fears of nobody liking what I have written, or getting so far like I have done many times before and suddenly thinking it is a pile of garbage and deciding not to waste any more time on it.
I have been told, and I did not realise until recently, that I second guess myself a lot. I also seem to be intent on seeking approval and without it I have no confidence in the things I do. I need to find a way of letting go of the unrealistic expectations and go back to enjoying what I do, instead of expecting a masterpiece every time. It does not work like that and I think perhaps it is time to be realistic about that fact.
The NaNoWriMo challenge begins tomorrow and I think it is a great place to start. Maybe I need a new writing style that will allow me to finish what I start. If you’re interested in updates, I will be posting on Twitter. Follow me here.
Until next time, thank you for reading this.