I have been a bit quiet recently, but in all honestly I have not had anything to say.
My inspiration seems to have been swept away in a gust of wind and left here feeling rather empty. Empty in the context of writing anyway, because I feel, ultimately too much for my liking. And my feelings dictate my life too much. In the past my feelings have caused a lot of losses.
So what are these feelings? Are they my depression? Are they my anxiety? Are they a product of past trauma? Who knows. All I know is that takes over and I lose myself all too often. The problem I have with my feelings is that it is not as simple as just identifying as happy or sad, or anything else for that matter. I psychically feel my feelings. I do not know how common this is. I have spoken about it to others in the past and they could not relate. What I mean about physically feelings is that when I am feeling happy, I am elated, I feel like I am a floating balloon or a firework. The butterflies feel like they want to explode out of me. Like my body can not contain them because there are so many. When I am on the opposite side of the spectrum I feel something in my chest that is just darkness. It feels like there is a hand enveloping my heart that is slowly crushing it. I feel constricted and dizzy. Sometimes I feel like I am shrinking. It is difficult to describe when I am not in that moment, because after an abundance of feelings it is like they build up, fizzle away and then I feel nothing. I literally stop caring. I start thinking that what I was thinking and feeling was stupid and that it will never happen again, but it always does. Rinse and repeat.
Struggling to feel human is baffling, but something that I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. I was never like the other kids, I never experienced things like “normal” people. Things that should be a big deal end up being in the shadows as I am too busy making a big deal out of nothing and when it comes to reacting to the actual important things, I am burned out and they become less than they are.
I remember as a child I was never able to feel excited about anything. There are videos of me and my siblings at Christmas and they are all so excited. They are unwrapping their gifts and displaying their excitement and glee with every little gift they unwrap. And then there is me, I look like I am dead inside. For a 10 year old, I do not think that is a good start. I have been this way all of my life, I do not know how to express feelings and they build up inside and it affects my moods and behaviour. I suffered a great loss when I was a child, the happiest, most positive and greatest person I ever knew to exist took their own life. Being a child and learning somebody has died is one thing, being a child and learning somebody chose to die is an entirely different thing and I think it got to me way more than I ever knew. It might have even shaped who I am today. I never really took the time to react to his death, I did not know how. I was never spoken to about dealing with loss. I am not sure if it is something that is taught, but it would maybe have been useful.
Right now there are people dealing with so much and I am dealing with nothing and still struggling. I try to understand too much at once on a constant basis and I need to slow down, I just do not know how. I am sorry that my recent posts have not been very positive, I just can not fake it. I can not pretend to be something I am not and right now I am nothing. It should be time for the cycle to fall into a happier state soon so see you then.
Until next time…