Feelings

Hello Friends,

I have been a bit quiet recently, but in all honestly I have not had anything to say.

My inspiration seems to have been swept away in a gust of wind and left here feeling rather empty. Empty in the context of writing anyway, because I feel, ultimately too much for my liking. And my feelings dictate my life too much. In the past my feelings have caused a lot of losses.

So what are these feelings? Are they my depression? Are they my anxiety? Are they a product of past trauma? Who knows. All I know is that takes over and I lose myself all too often. The problem I have with my feelings is that it is not as simple as just identifying as happy or sad, or anything else for that matter. I psychically feel my feelings. I do not know how common this is. I have spoken about it to others in the past and they could not relate. What I mean about physically feelings is that when I am feeling happy, I am elated, I feel like I am a floating balloon or a firework. The butterflies feel like they want to explode out of me. Like my body can not contain them because there are so many. When I am on the opposite side of the spectrum I feel something in my chest that is just darkness. It feels like there is a hand enveloping my heart that is slowly crushing it. I feel constricted and dizzy. Sometimes I feel like I am shrinking. It is difficult to describe when I am not in that moment, because after an abundance of feelings it is like they build up, fizzle away and then I feel nothing. I literally stop caring. I start thinking that what I was thinking and feeling was stupid and that it will never happen again, but it always does. Rinse and repeat.

Struggling to feel human is baffling, but something that I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. I was never like the other kids, I never experienced things like “normal” people. Things that should be a big deal end up being in the shadows as I am too busy making a big deal out of nothing and when it comes to reacting to the actual important things, I am burned out and they become less than they are.

I remember as a child I was never able to feel excited about anything. There are videos of me and my siblings at Christmas and they are all so excited. They are unwrapping their gifts and displaying their excitement and glee with every little gift they unwrap. And then there is me, I look like I am dead inside. For a 10 year old, I do not think that is a good start. I have been this way all of my life, I do not know how to express feelings and they build up inside and it affects my moods and behaviour. I suffered a great loss when I was a child, the happiest, most positive and greatest person I ever knew to exist took their own life. Being a child and learning somebody has died is one thing, being a child and learning somebody chose to die is an entirely different thing and I think it got to me way more than I ever knew. It might have even shaped who I am today. I never really took the time to react to his death, I did not know how. I was never spoken to about dealing with loss. I am not sure if it is something that is taught, but it would maybe have been useful.

Right now there are people dealing with so much and I am dealing with nothing and still struggling. I try to understand too much at once on a constant basis and I need to slow down, I just do not know how. I am sorry that my recent posts have not been very positive, I just can not fake it. I can not pretend to be something I am not and right now I am nothing. It should be time for the cycle to fall into a happier state soon so see you then.

Until next time…

-Sara

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38 Comments

  1. You can let go of being sorry your posts are not more “anything”. Your posts are where you are at the moment, and all of us run the gamut of emotion and feeling sometimes swinging in a wild arc and at others seeing a minimal variation in the range of those emotions.

    Being human is baffling. The loss of a loved one, at any age, is full of immediate and latent impact. Keep writing. Keep living. People love you wherever you are Sara.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I can actually relate to how you describe feeling everything physically. When I’m happy I’m a completely chipper person with positive outlook of life. When I’m sad, I just go downhill and there’s nothing to care about. But I get out of that zone and everything is alright again so I take it a day at a time.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. We can’t comprehend what we see as kids, kids see things differently. I saw something the other day that I viewed in a completely different light, due to being grown up and knowing more about the world. (Old tv show)

    I’m sorry about the loss of your friend at a young age. Nowadays someone probably would’ve talked to you about it and helped deal with your feelings. We didn’t have that as kids, atleast i didn’t know of it.
    But such events do shape who you are, maybe you’d be a different person and living another life.

    I know you’re happy though and if you ever need to talk mate, you know where i am x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Physical feeling highs and lows…find a meditation for balancing yourself. I know exactly what you are talking about. I call it roller-coaster and now I catch it before it gets to far and I do a “balance ” meditation to keep my physical and spiritual on a level plane

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You might not think you had anything to share, but you did. This post is just as valid as any of the fabricated ones that deluge social media (the “look at my new clothes”, “look at where I am”, “look what I’m eating” brigade). In many ways the subjects you write about are more important, because they are the subjects so many people *don’t* talk about.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I don’t think you’re dealing with “nothing”. It sounds like you had some difficult stuff to deal with as a child and that you’re still dealing with it.

    I also feel that I’m different to everyone else and that I don’t have a “right” to be depressed. I had some bad stuff happen when I was a child, but much less than a lot of other people, so I feel I must be weak for being depressed for so many years.

    I wish I had something more constructive to say, but I don’t have any advice, only empathy.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You really can’t fake how you feel – you can try, but it’s only to pretend to someone else. I’m sorry that you experienced such a hard loss at such a young age. To know someone you think is okay and happy take their own life, that’s traumatizing. I hope you find your path soon to being in a better place 💜 Time is the only thing that can help with thay

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Recently, I felt burnt out with my blog. I didn’t post anything new for nearly a week, which is unusual for me. But, I’m feeling inspired again. For me, part of it was feeling sick. Our weather here has been really drab, gloomy, and drizzly, too. The sun is out today, finally, for the first time in nearly a week. Inspiration comes and goes. I’m happy you’re so open with your feelings – I’m still working on that. Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. You are experiencing a thing called life. As I wrote about on my blog life is a roller coaster. One of the things I have come to realize over the decades is that between 90 to 95 percent people are just passing through your life. The only person you will spend your entire life with is you. Hang in there you will be fine!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I am sorry you are feeling this way and I hope things look for you. I lost my dad and that is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I can relate to how you feel your emotions because when I’m mad I feel it in my chest as well. I have a hard time desrcibing my feelings and talking about what is wrong because I don’t even know.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Thank you for sharing who you are. I think that’s why so many follow your blog. You are real in every way. I was just reading somewhere else about bi-polar disorder, maybe that’s part of it, but it was just a thought. Thank you again.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Life is full of ups and downs and we all experience them. Some more than others. As writers we sometimes live in our heads too much 🙂
    I find when Im down about something a walk in nature (along the beach for me) clears the cobwebs and produce those happy hormones thats gets us balanced again.
    I totally respect and appreciate your honesty. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Life is full of ups and downs. Some feel them more than others. I find if Im feeling down or in my head too much a long walk along the beach gets rid of any cobwebs. Nothing like fresh air and exercise to those happy hormones going.
    Your post was honest and real. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Hi Sarah, you are in the right place doing the right thing — I know it is hard when you feel bad and you can’t understand why. I identify with over half the experiences you’ve written about in your post. Especially the part of feeling your feelings in your body. I have had that, and after many experiences with it I know that when I feel like I’m just flying, it’s time to take it easy, because my mood can crash.
    About the childhood pain — as a parent and as a former child, I have observed that children often suppress or chose not to feel the pain of events for long periods of time. It’s like they’re holding back their pain until it’s safe to express and process it. I don’t know you but I would guess what’s happening is you’re processing pain now that wasn’t able to be processed earlier. Keep writing and have confidence. This too in time shall pass. Or, as Kristen Undsett said “all fires burn out at last.”

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I know I am late coming to this scene, but I was led here, and must react. What you describe here is more common than you may realize, especially these days, as empaths awaken around the globe. It is not a mystical, hocus pocus way of being, but the future of humanity (if such a future still exists). You are not alone. You are not abnormal. And I embrace your spirit, in kindness and kinship, for being exactly who you are! Stay true to that, and you will not be led astray…

    Liked by 1 person

  16. You are writing from your heart. You are far from “nothing”. You are human. You are creative and your words are captivating. I hope you find a good balance and your spirit lifts. In the mean time, keep writing. We’d be lying to ourselves and others if we only portrayed the positive bits in our lives! x

    Liked by 1 person

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