It saddens me that I missed two days of blogging, I was working on keeping my consistency up, but then of course life got in the way.
Some days it seems appealing to just give up and stop caring. You work hard on yourself, you work hard at life and you begin to think you are getting somewhere and bam, another curve ball, another obstruction, another hurdle.
For too long now I have felt like I am in a maze, hitting every dead end possible and wondering if there is really a way out of is it just a trick, giving me a sliver of hope to get out, but never really finding the escape.
Anxiety hit me last week, after a bit of bad news. Then, I could not shake that off, with it came its unwelcome friend depression and of course I felt like all of my hard work had come undone. One step forwards and ten steps back at this point. I felt, in a way, ashamed that I had to reach for my anxiety medication. It just felt like progress lost. Obviously this is not the case, it is always okay to get help when it is needed. I just thought I had beat it and it brought me down to see how easily it could come back and claim me.
Following the downward spiral came some bad news that a family member was not in a good way and it was a case of waiting for any news from anybody, because I live in a different country from my family and all I could do was wait.
I have felt an enormous amount of guilt recently too. This for the fact that I have moved away and seemingly not much has come in the way of progression. It is out of my hands that the situation happens to be this way and I have done all that I can, but again, the feeling of being stuck has left me feeling useless. This circles me back to what I said at first in this blog about wanting to be consistent. As I am waiting to move forward with my life here in Sweden, I wanted to continue with my writing, I wanted routine and structure, so I did not feel like I was wasting my days. So when I got a spell of anxiety it was tougher to shake off and I got caught in a really uncomfortable cycle.
I am so very lucky to have a kind and understanding partner who listens to me and offers advice where possible. It can not be easy for them to deal with this, because of course it is not just us that deal with our mental health issues, it is those around us too. I am nothing but grateful to have such a strong support system; I would not be where I am today without it.
So, today is another day and all I can do is try and make it a good one. The bouts are getting fewer and further between, which to me is progress and what I need to focus on.
If you are going through a tough time and just need someone to talk to, I am never too far away to listen. You can always send me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org and I will do my best, even if you just need someone to vent to. Nobody should be or feel alone when they are battling the mind and that includes you.
Until next time, stay strong. You are stronger than you think.
Feature image by Cherybery