An old friend

I am currently having a panic attack.

It has been so long that I almost cannot recall ever feeling this way.

I am physically numb. I am dizzy. I can not control my breathing. I can not think straight. Uncontrollable cry. I cannot stop shaking. Heart palpitations. I feel like my head is in a vise clamp. A feeling of great loss. A feeling of complete uncertainty. No emotional connection to anyone or anything. I have stopped caring.

In this moment my body and mind are completely disconnected. Like I am seeing through someone else’s eyes and I do not know where I am.

There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to ride it out.

I am telling you this because anxiety is not a joke. Usually by now I would have chosen to hurt myself, just to get some sort of feeling back in my body, but I will not do that again. So now, I wait.

I know I will not feel this way forever, but right now every second feels like torture.

I am trapped in my own mind.

This is what a panic attack feels like first hand.



  1. Sara, so sad to hear you are going through this. Do the symptoms respond to sensory focussing work – such as, feeling the chair under you, becoming aware of what that feels like, then connecting with the feeling of your feet on the floor beneath the chair, the weight of your body connecting with the environment, and so forth?

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Thank you for sharing. I too experience these and they are no fun. Try to ground yourself and actually writing can help calm your breathing, due to focus. Maybe draw a little something. Sending positive vibes your way.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Only a beautiful soul can write so clearly human feelings. I hope you find peace and love. Remember there is always a share a beautiful world somewhere for you and no one can take it away from you. 💛🦋🌸

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I report back to my therapist and he is always happy to know that it’s been since October. My self-harm would always come out and now I know to not do that and to just ride it out. I know in the moment it feels like you’re dying and it’s the end of the world. There have been times that when I come to, I just start laughing… because I can’t believe what goes on in my head as it’s happening. I wrote a post “Dazed and Amused” about a panic attack (Shameless plug) check it out…. ?
        Be well, feel better.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. No specific words will help, but I hope every chime-in here is a little bit more weight towards making you feel slightly more connected to the world and others so you can ride this thing out. Good luck Sara.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I wish you my best. This was me two months ago. For me, the more I wrote, the worse it got. I ended up shutting down blogs I had for years. They are gone forever. I’m not sure what keeps me level these days. But I’ll take it. Again, my best. You’re strong!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. My roads been bumby but I’m doing a little better I haven’t had Anxiety’s med for a month I see my doctor for the first time Friday I’ll get my meds from her

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Sara, hugs. Anxiety is awful and I get this too. You’ve done really well not to harm yourself and hopefully writing down how you’re feeling has been helpful…..and to connect with others. I find it incredibly when you talk to others that you find so many people have experienced anxiety and depression, and you’re certainly not alone. I know that when people feel numb which can pre-empt an anxiety attack, they do things like grounding techniques, such as:

    – hold an ice cube in your hand or put it on the back of your neck
    – name 10 things in the room that you can see
    – do a simple thing, like make a sandwich, and talk aloud about each step, e.g. okay, I’ve got the bread and I’m going to put here. Right, what do I need next? Yes, marg and perhaps cheese…..etc., By engaging in something, it can take you out of that headspace and help you connect.

    If you find that it’s hard to think of these types of things whilst mid-panic, perhaps write out a list when you’re feel good so that you can refer to it when you need to. Much easier to think with a clear mind when feeling okay. You can always keep a list of strategies on your phone and/or a piece of paper stuck on the inside of your wardrobe

    Hugs xx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is really handy advice. I have never thought to prepare for an attack before, which is why I always get stuck in the moment. I think I will consider a plan of action just in case it happens again. Thank you so much, I really, truly appreciate you taking your time to lend some valuable advice.


  6. How odd. I was just experiencing a panic attack myself, and in an effort to calm myself, I began reading through my feed. Your post actually seems to have helped… Thank you. Please keep writing. I very much appreciate you and your work.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Sara, I am so sorry you experience panic attacks. Thankful you have chosen not to hurt yourself. If I may be so bold, I encourage you to look into a condition called MTHFR and the symptoms. Two of my children use to experience the out of body sensation and having no feelings. Both have this genetic condition, which is the body’s inability to hold onto certain b vitamins and are feeling so much better on a supplement protocol for MTHFR. One of my kids was diagnosed with ADHD and has not been on medication for that since the B supplementation. God bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. It’s bloody awful dear Sara. I can feel it in your words and am so easily reminded of the loss of control;the blinding fear when it first happened. You posted 4 hours ago … I hope it is subsiding …. hugs from afar xo

    Liked by 2 people

      1. He’s doing alright thank you. I think the stress of all of that is what set me off. I’m used to him being the strong one and it got a little too much. Very lucky to have him support me though. I hope you are well, Steven. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for your honesty, transparency, and beautiful writing. I have diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I think I’ve only had two panic attacks, ever, and both of them were brutal and frightening. One happened while I was at work, and it was absolutely awful. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a long time. Later that day, I wrote an open letter to my anxiety and posted it on my blog. Seeing my own words was incredibly helpful, and I’m glad I did it. Every so often, I find myself re-reading it, and it’s a good reminder to see how far I’ve come since then. Keep writing – You’re amazing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are such a kind and caring person, Laura Beth. Thank you so much. It sounds like a good idea addressing your anxiety like that. I may have done something similar last year, but I can’t remember what exactly it was about.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Hey there SarainLaLaLand. Been feeling very much the same of late but I remember an inspirational quote that keeps me going, please excuse the language – “Sometimes I feel Like giving up. Then I remember I have a lot of Motherfuckers TO PROVE WRONG.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Came across this post. Well described…it’s hard to explain sometimes what’s going on inside with things like this. I’ve experienced a measure of this before – I have a thyroid condition and it sends your hormones out of whack. Glad you’re turning to things such as writing as opposed to self-harm. 💗 hopefully you’ve found calm again.

    Liked by 1 person

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