As you may or may not know, I have been battling anxiety issues for the last few days. When this occurs, my mind goes into overdrive and my logic seems to go out of the window.
It is like I am on a train and the track is my thoughts and each section of the track is a different worry. Basically most of my thoughts are worries in this state and if I were able to think logically, I would know that this worrying would be for naught. But I’m on this train, driving max speed on a track that is a giant loop. All I want to do is slam on the breaks, but they don’t exist. I wish with all of my might that I could throw myself off this runaway train, but the doors do not open. So essentially I am stuck going round and round in a circle of worry until the train finally runs out of steam.
Now I know, even now that my concerns are minuscule. I also know that a lot of the things that cause me to panic will not even happen, but it does not stop this process. In this state, logic does not exist. Not much does, except a lump in my throat, a racing heart and a train on a track to nowhere.
Funny thing is, when I finally get past this, I think the whole ordeal is absolutely ridiculous and I wonder to myself how someone could be like that; why can’t they just get over it? The answer is, I do not know. If I had the choice to give, let’s say an arm to rid myself of this personal head prison, I would not hesitate to do so. For how long I have been dealing with this, the amount of time/life wasted in this barbaric state, the loss of a limb would be a pretty small price to pay.
Each time I come back to this situation, I wonder what it is I can try next to finally rid myself of this state of mind for good. Some processes are successful for an amount of time, but as it seems, I always find myself back here.
Trying to push my logical self into this situation I can assess that my worries are things that may or may not occur in the future. So logically speaking, if I could learn to live in the now, that would be a problem solver right? Let’s get real, probably not, but that will not stop me from trying. I have and will try anything.
I know that anxiety and depression are common amongst folk these days and I feel for every single individual that has ever felt this way. It takes me to dark places and my thoughts become things I do not think I could even share here. And the feeling of emptiness. A hole that can never be filled. Not having the capability to enjoy anything, not even the simple pleasure of a good meal. It sucks, plain and simple.
I do not mean for this post to be a downer. You bet your bottom dollar (what does that even mean?!) that I certainly do not intend to stay in this state. I will fight, as I always do and I will continue to try anything and everything to get better. Even if it is just for a little longer than the last time.
So into attempt one million and ten, to rid myself of this torment. I think the key is to not give up. I hear if you want something, you have to work hard for it and I do not want anything more than to feel sane!
For now, I will try and live in the moment. It is worth a try at least.
Until next time, sleep is calling.