Living in the now

Hello friends,

As you may or may not know, I have been battling anxiety issues for the last few days. When this occurs, my mind goes into overdrive and my logic seems to go out of the window.

It is like I am on a train and the track is my thoughts and each section of the track is a different worry. Basically most of my thoughts are worries in this state and if I were able to think logically, I would know that this worrying would be for naught. But I’m on this train, driving max speed on a track that is a giant loop. All I want to do is slam on the breaks, but they don’t exist. I wish with all of my might that I could throw myself off this runaway train, but the doors do not open. So essentially I am stuck going round and round in a circle of worry until the train finally runs out of steam.

Now I know, even now that my concerns are minuscule. I also know that a lot of the things that cause me to panic will not even happen, but it does not stop this process. In this state, logic does not exist. Not much does, except a lump in my throat, a racing heart and a train on a track to nowhere.

Funny thing is, when I finally get past this, I think the whole ordeal is absolutely ridiculous and I wonder to myself how someone could be like that; why can’t they just get over it? The answer is, I do not know. If I had the choice to give, let’s say an arm to rid myself of this personal head prison, I would not hesitate to do so. For how long I have been dealing with this, the amount of time/life wasted in this barbaric state, the loss of a limb would be a pretty small price to pay.

Each time I come back to this situation, I wonder what it is I can try next to finally rid myself of this state of mind for good. Some processes are successful for an amount of time, but as it seems, I always find myself back here.

Trying to push my logical self into this situation I can assess that my worries are things that may or may not occur in the future. So logically speaking, if I could learn to live in the now, that would be a problem solver right? Let’s get real, probably not, but that will not stop me from trying. I have and will try anything.

I know that anxiety and depression are common amongst folk these days and I feel for every single individual that has ever felt this way. It takes me to dark places and my thoughts become things I do not think I could even share here. And the feeling of emptiness. A hole that can never be filled. Not having the capability to enjoy anything, not even the simple pleasure of a good meal. It sucks, plain and simple.

I do not mean for this post to be a downer. You bet your bottom dollar (what does that even mean?!) that I certainly do not intend to stay in this state. I will fight, as I always do and I will continue to try anything and everything to get better. Even if it is just for a little longer than the last time.

So into attempt one million and ten, to rid myself of this torment. I think the key is to not give up. I hear if you want something, you have to work hard for it and I do not want anything more than to feel sane!

For now, I will try and live in the moment. It is worth a try at least.

Until next time, sleep is calling.


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  1. Hey Sara. The best part of your post remains the positivity you showed despite you feeling low and helpless. I guess, we human have this innate skill to fight any battle and dwarf any problem, only thing required is will. And I see plenty in you. You write well. Maybe you try writing anything and everything, probably that could distract your mind. Or a friend you can call and have a conversation. Wish you the very best with your fight to overcome your anxiety. We all are here to support you. 🌸🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  2. While I’m really horrible (like actually the worst) at the whole sympathy/empathy thing I’m going to say this:
    Walking out of the darkness, heck crawling out of the darkness, no matter how much anguish is involved is the right decision. Someday there will be something no matter how big, no matter how small that makes it worth it. Whether it’s something sensical or whether it’s completely random like Allie Brosh and her floor corn it’ll make you grateful for making the decision to endure. It’s those little bits of light you have to hold on to.

    I always feel weird talking about my own experience with the darkness because I always feel like I had it so much easier than everyone else in reflection then feel guilty about being such a child about it. All the same, I’m going to share this anecdote.

    My star, that little bit of light that made it worthwhile, actually came pretty much in the middle of the darkest night. I’d walked the line. Spoken to the guy on the other side. Coming out of it no one was sure what I was thinking about proceeding with. Then this beautiful moment happened and everything just kind of stopped existing and I was like “maybe it’s actually worth it”. The nine months that followed were a mess but it ended up being worthwhile. I have more of these “ay this is why I wake up” moments than ever now and don’t foresee the darkness ever being an issue again now I’ve found my direction in life (literature is everything I could ever dream of).

    I had come out of a conversation with the man on the other side… metaphorically at least. I had lost nearly a full night of sleep. The people around me managing the situation were at a complete loss. The only thing that was certain was that in return for me promising the live out the next few days I’d be allowed to participate in this event. The event wasn’t special to me or anything. I just wanted an excuse to see all the cards before making my decision. While it wasn’t anything special and didn’t become anything special it marked a turning point… the point where I decided to wander through the darkness no matter what.

    It’s slightly odd to think of this as such a pivotal moment when I look back but at the time it was. I was in the middle of this event. A few people I knew somewhat and I left and found a table of refreshments. After having spent the entire evening overheating everyone was feeling victorious in this moment. We then proceeded to just outright drink like the entirety of this table. Between like six of us we must have cleared a hundred cups of squash and water. That was all that happened. Literally it. But during those moments it was as though all of us connected just to achieve this one pathetic goal and every single person all shared in a humoured and excited experience regardless of our lack of prior connection and acquaintance. Something about human nature just became clear to me in that moment. Like I realised all of my experiences causing the darkness were just a few toxic heathens ruining things and that not everyone was horrible.

    No matter how hard it gets there’s always something worth seeing that will make it worth continuing. Even if you don’t believe that at the time. Also, there would be a very sad little boy in a cat hoodie if the flow of wonderful poems on this blog stopped abruptly.

    I’m horrible at helping people and doing the whole normal emotions thing as I mentioned to open with but I hope that this if nothing else was an acceptable response and perhaps helped somewhat. I suppose at the very least it’s better than giving a very surface level “thoughts and prayers”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well for starters you don’t give yourself enough credit. I know for me and many others, sharing a part of oneself helps more than anything. Anything said branches from understanding and I think in the end that is what we all want, to be understood. I can see that you took your time in reading my post and then even more to write this response and it means a lot to me that you would be so kind as to do so for a stranger. You helped a lot more than you know and I am beyond grateful that you did. You actually sparked my heart with a little joy. Once that spark is lit, it can only be up from here. Thank you so much. You are truly a kind soul.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sara, Probably exposing myself here a little too much, but for the past year I have been battling demons that have chained me and started to drag me to my fate. It has been, well you can imagine. A year ago I started seeing a therapist. I was at an all time low and had no idea how it was even possible fro me to be “normal again”. I was tested for so many things, and then subsequently diagnosed with bipolar (although it is not at all the bipolar that people think, a deep depression, SAD and my defense mechanism for anxiety was for me to run away in my mind. Be absent.. So much easier. I finally decided to try meds. My main doc has always said that despite what he feels about a med, if it improves your quality of life, it is worth trying. My psych began to work with meds for me. I must have tried 12 – 15 combinations. It was time consuming, and I hate to fight that stigma of having to take so may pills to be “normal”. While I wish I could say I don’t feel any different, or better yet, that the changes in me are a result of my own work, being on the meds does have an undeniable affect. The such is still tweaking things, but I totally trust where she is going because while I may not have noticed the changes, many of those who are close to me have see n a big change. The ironic thing is that I am a counselor, and while I can help anyone else and offer amazing advice, when it comes to me or my family, not at all. I love the writing aspect of healing, or working through. It definitely works for me. But my thesis to get my masters was in cinematherapy. Using films to enlighten you and have you watch films in a different way. I have had huge success using this approach with my students who have come to me, and if anything it opened up their eyes. I would be happy to suggest some things, but understand there are specific questions to answer when you finish. These answers are for you only and do not have to be shared. And I am sorry this is very long, but my radar goes off so quick when I read things like this, because I have seen so many well intentioned advice given, but in the end not so effective. Feel free to talk if necessary. I know you don’t know me and vice versa, but sometimes that is the best position to be in. Unbiased, etc. I will leave this tedious remark with a phrase that has helped me put things in perspective. It is one that I can’t take full credit for, but I have adapted it to a way it works for me. Just keep in mind these 3 things. Dwelling/Living in the past is Depression, Anticipating/ focusing on and living for the future is anxiety. The best place to be is living in the now. It is where you are the most balanced and where you have the most control. So if you are fighting depression or anxiety find the root of its cause. You know where to look. and Most of the time its a simple recognition and placing those demons that drag you back into their place. And figure out what it is that is causing this anxiety. It is something you are worrying about in the future. And while that event/time will come it is not here yet and you do NOT have to deal with it. Have a great weekend, stay positive and breathe in that glorious fresh air!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey!
      I one million percent appreciate you taking your time to read my ramblings and offer your advice. Your suggestion is something I have never tried before and it is also something that I have never heard of. I would be definitely willing to give it a try and any suggestions are more than welcome. The anxiety is fear of the future and fear of the unknown. My mind tends to turn the unknown into a negative or just see it as an end, which frightens me. Like if I can’t see anything, it must mean that is it for me. Living and being present in the now has never been something I am good at, but I definitely think it is what I need to work on. Thank you again for your time.


  4. Sorry for the Like. 🙂 I don’t actually “like” what you’re going through. And it’s like alchoholism–it never goes away, but you can push it back far enough so that it seems barely there. I hope you can manage to do this soon (though it will ebb and flow). Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sleep is healthy! It’s important to have a balanced life and an equilibrium. It’s understandable that you may get into depressed states at times and feel like an arm may be a right price against that. The mental prison must be a real hackle. You are right to fight it! Do not be eaten by the disease eat it, eat life! Devour the world! Enjoy your life be who you are meant to be now by who you are told you are meant to become in ten twenty years. It’s never what we want when we get it. Now counts more then pangs of remorse and fear of the future. It’s now. And it will be alright. Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to happen when it has to happen. You will manage to live, be healthy, happy and strong. I believe in you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does indeed. The rest is just a waiting game to wake up and feel normal again. Unfortunately this leads to a bunch of downer posts, which I’m sure not everyone is keen to read. I hope the usual content resumes ASAP. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I really feel for you going through this. I know from my own experiences that anxiety attacks are just awful and I am always astounded at how something so trivial to someone else is turned in to a massive problem by my brain.
    One thing I try to do when I’m in the grip (or comedown) of an attack is try to listen to the relaxation apps I have on my iPad. I know not everyone likes them but, for me, they help me focus on breathing again and bring me gradually back to a state of reality again. Other things include drawing, doodling, listening to music or just reading as it forces my brain to focus on one thing at a time.
    Good luck, you CAN do this and you have an army of readers to support you 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. All great suggestions! In the midst of this I have managed to finish a book series I’ve been trying to get through, so I will count that as a bonus! I really truly appreciate the support and the kind words, I hope there is something I can do to show how thankful I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think we all know you are thankful so there really is no need to do anything.
        The one thing I take away from my counselling sessions is a little phrase I keep in my head when I’m battling against a thought / feeling and it is that “…you don’t ever have to be perfect for anyone, just good enough for you” xx

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Always reading Dear Sara … and always linking arms in solidarity. My sister’s b/f refers to his anxiety as a visitor and says “well hello you old bastard” when the chemical surge surfaces. Then he exercises madly to counter the biochemical adversary.
    We all have different ways to cope but I truly feel that writing helps a lot! Sending best wishes and love, 💐😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I wish I could pump some iron and be gone with it. I unfortunately lose so much energy that I need to nap to get over my naps! Which of course keeps me awake in the middle of the night. The joys of a perpetual cycle! Anyway I’m sure it’ll pass. Thank you, Diana. ❤


  8. “Bet your bottom dollar” means precisely that; bet your final coin on an outcome because it’s a near certainty to happen.
    Whenever my anxiety or other issues get particularly bad, I also write. Often it’s total garbage I end up binning, but the process helps. Otherwise I put on some death metal music and play a violent video game.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Duhh! I didn’t even think of that last night, thanks for the clarification. I have been playing through the walking dead games, but they’re so hopeless that I don’t think it is helping to shift my mood. I think I need to get caught up in some great adventure. I just need to find one…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have to approach those games with caution. Immersion becomes addiction! I had to ween myself of WoW cold turkey recently because of the same reason. The endless achievement hunts and the forever expansions. Skyrim is a lovely game though, I have enjoyed playing it in the past. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Your writing is a painful truth from your heart. It takes courage to share that part of yourself. I respect you for it because we all have something and if we all share a little more there will be a lot more healing. And, you inspire hope with your looking upwards even in the midst of it. My thoughts are with you. Take care, suzanne😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Sara,
    Firstly I love the picture and the train imagery to describe your thought cycle.

    As you have written, you know you are not alone in feeling the way you do and you understand that rationally your thoughts/feelings are skewed by illness. I think it helps give perspective to believe these two things even if in the depths of depression or anxiety it seems like they are not true.

    I also wanted to say that, like you, my thoughts go to places that I could not share on my blog, but I do share the extremes with my doctor etc. For me it helps knowing that they know, it takes some of the power out of the thoughts.

    Be kind to yourself, you’re doing really well in connecting with us in your writing which will help you process your emotions.
    I hope that things improve for you soon.
    Karen xx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Sara…
    Sharing your experiences about anxiety and depression is one courageous step in your journey to a healthier you. Those who battle these illnesses can relate to the feelings you expressed through words. Writing is very therapeutic. I have walked in similar shoes during life thanks to traumatic events. It’s no fun. Often others have no idea with regard to your inner feelings since you look fine on the outside. It takes a strong individual to battle these issues. I wish you all the best. Stay Strong! 🙂 June

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi Sara. I’ve been dealing with the same exact thought process of this anxiety train. Some days just really stink and it’s hard to get back up and other day are just a little bit brighter. I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way. At least we both have writing as an outlet, right? Most days I have trouble remembering that writing really can help with coping with anxiety.

    I hope your book is going well! I know writing can be difficult sometimes. It’s actually one of the reasons I get anxious as feel guilty; specifically for not writing more of my book! I do hope you’re feeling better though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My book needs some love. I have been trying to study first so when I begin the chapters, they head in the right direction, but my partner had an accident and I have been spending most of my time taking care of him, so the book has been a little neglected. I hope to be able to get back to it soon though. Thank you. Don’t feel guilty if you aren’t constant with your writing, do it as and when you enjoy it and that way I think you will get a whole lot more from it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sorry to hear about that. I hope he’s doing much better now. But thank you for the advice! I really appreciate it. I’m looking forward to more of the work you’ll be putting out, but in the meantime, please take care of yourself as well!

        Liked by 2 people

  13. Beautiful piece, Sara. Thanks a lot for articulating what must surely be a painful experience. It’s helpful for people like myself who deal with anxiety issues to know they’re not alone. Bashing out 1500 words helps me deal with it every once in a while. I hope you get over it soon. Cheers, Bala.

    Liked by 1 person

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