Tongue Tied

I cannot remember if I spoke of it recently, but last week I “lost it”, in a way that leaves me feeling ashamed just thinking about it. I became a person that I do not recognise and I find that there is nothing I can do about it.

I go through these depressive states more often than I would like to admit and each time it happens I frantically search for answers to prevent it reoccurring. The trouble is, I am caught in a cycle I can not seem to break from.

Depending on how badly I react during these times, I take a while to start feeling myself again. This time around I have left feeling scatter brained to the point where I can hardly form a sentence, either in my head, out loud and even just writing something down. It worries me that I struggle to articulate, it makes me wonder if I went too far.

This time around I have lost touch with myself, which means there is nobody to pull me back. At this point what am I to do? I feel like I can see myself floating mindlessly above me, without a care in the world. The problem is, I want to care and I do not know how to get my own attention to snap out of it.

To be honest I am not sure this is making sense. Every time I try and think, my thought trail leads to a total blank. Right now I can not think of anything to say, even though there is so much I would like to let out.

I sure hope this is not permanent. Without words, there is not much left of me. I don’t want to be a shell.

I am scared. I guess I will just have to wait and hope that I come to my senses.

The picture is one I took when I lived in the UK. There was a lake I used to visit to clear my head. It was so quiet and I could just be. Now I do not want the quiet, but it is all I have. Everything is backwards.

I really don’t know what I am saying, so I will leave it there.

-Sara

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67 Comments

  1. Sara, it may not make sense to you, but you are perfectly clear to me. Picture yourself in the most peaceful clear setting you can. One that brings peace and clarity and Light. Hold on to that moment. Live in that moment. Remember One who loves and cherishes you. You will move beyond this moment. It doesn’t define you, even if it IS a part of you. ))hugs((

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You’re doing the best thing to do when things seem muddled – expressing yourself (through writing). You’ll be fine, make a nice cuppa and don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you have dreams that you’re working towards, so it’s great that you have that as a focus. (Not sure if I’m helping, but am thinking of you and sending a friendly hug!)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Looks like a nice place, can’t really offer much advice on this. Although i’ve felt something similar, when i can’t vet the words out or blank completely on something. Thought it was tiredness or age, but maybe it was stress and worry just gumming up my brain.

    Try to clear your head and write it out. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, the loud and tumultuous storms will eventually lead to clear, blue skies, but if this is an endless pattern in life, I recommend making an impactful decision to break it. Do yoga consistently. Seclude yourself in nature. Visit a spirItual land like Burma or India. Fill your time, senses and soul with something more powerful than you, whether that me Siva, Buddha, God or Mother Nature. Doing so leads to strength, contentment and most importantly, fulfillment. Until then, I hope your brain pulls itself back together and finds peace of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the advice. I have been trying meditation. I just don’t think I’ve found the right one for me yet, but I’ll keep trying. I will definitely be spending more time outdoors now it is finally warming up. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, the joys of being human. It’s hard to make sense of anything. Especially when it is our emotions. Thank you for being honest in this essay. I really felt it, and it was very relatable to me as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It is absolutely okay to “see myself floating mindlessly above me, without a care in the world”. It is the healing we need after our minds inflate and pop. If it lasts a day, or several, that’s how much healing you needed. The sun restores me along with a good cup of coffee. I have no one here in Utah to visit with that knows me, so I think it might be a little that way for you too. There’s a rumor here that Sweden is going into martial law and closing their borders. Pretend that you are a secret agent meant to collect all the poetry and prose from the lands, and read them until a complementing dialogue forms inside you. Then get your paper and pen to see what it looks like.
    Life is hard, and our brains and emotions don’t make it any easier. when you can’t trust yourself, you can always trust your favorite author.
    Love and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did not hear that rumour. Good job I’m here already! I did a little something that has often brought me back to reality. We’ll see if it works! Thank you, Philip. I hope that if you ever need somebody to talk to, you know you can talk to me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We’re all very different and what you describe sounds very similar to what I used to experience
        It too practice and patience and initially didn’t work very well- it seems like yesterday but it’s been 15 years
        The only way I can describe it is I watching me

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Sara. I know the feeling of being muddled. I have had a muddled head for the last few moths. (Dizzy I sometimes call it, as well as muddled.) When I think I am ok, I find I am not. My words may not make sense on where I may post, my brain is like over-processing feeling, which then makes me feel tired. I have been taking my usual time out to switch off, so I don’t have to think, it helps. But those muddles come back.
    Yesterday, because of what happened, it was the most serious mistake I have done. I cooked my toaster. Let me explain: My kitchen is small and so my toaster is on top of my small oven. I have had it here for the 3 years I lived where I am currently. When ever I cook on the hob, or in the oven, I will remove it, before I turn the oven on. I have my toaster on a metal tray, which is a good job, otherwise it may have been even worse.
    I was preparing tea and I had the hob on. Now cos I was planning on using just one hob to boil myself an egg, I just turned my tray around that my toaster is on so it wasn’t anywhere near that hob. While I was waiting for the water to boil in that pan, I made my mum sandwiches as she was having something different. I started to smell something odd and I turned around, smelling the hob I had on for my egg. It did not smell anything I was smelling and I was baffled. My eye then was drawn to my toaster and I could see smoke. After a second, I realised what was happening. The hob was on, where that was too, so this meant when I had cooked lunch earlier that day, I did not turn it off as I thought. My toaster does not look melted, but because I seen smoke and it was on a hot hob, I ain’t going to risk it. When I get a new toaster one day, which I have no plans soon, it won’t go there at all again.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Although you may not know what to write, you are doing the best thing in just talking about it. That expectation we put in ourselves to do ‘something’ is often too much to deal with all at once and I find if I break something down into bite size chunks it’s then easier for me to contemplate it. Hope that kinda makes sense .
    Much love x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I might be totally off on this one, but it seems to me that you need to forgive yourself for “losing it”. Depending on whom it was with, make sure that you get closure (good or bad) with them. Hopefully, once you finalize that situation and put it behind you, you will feel more “together”.

    That picture is a garden goal.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Your words and thoughts sounds clear and collected to me. You have actually quite succinctly captured the feelings of anxiety and depression in this post… Make sure to reread when your haze lifts (and it will).

    I just sent you some coffee. Get out and breathe, talk to people, etc… 🙂 We love you, Sara!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Good Morning Sara, you make sense to me. I have had a rough start to my Monday and I am finally learning how to do appropriate self talk to help me climb out of my rut and move forward. I also use prayer a lot…my faith has been of help to me over the years. And I also have just really in the past six months come to understand how depression and anxiety have been part of my life probably back into childhood. I have take steps to address that. I hope that your day is going better. Jim

    Liked by 1 person

  12. As others have said, what may not make sense to you, it’s perfectly clear to me. I have diagnosed anxiety, so I find myself in similar states that you have described every so often. My brain suddenly decides that it does not want to shut off, under any circumstances, so I find myself trying every trick in my book, desperately, to get my brain to shut down/calm down. I write, I read, I listen to music, I make lists, I put on my favorite background show on through Netflix or my phone (Forensic Files) – I try everything I know, until something works.

    There was one night, months ago, where I was so stressed out and anxious that I could not settle down to sleep. I woke up, terrified and barely able to speak. It was 3:00 a.m., and my husband woke up with me, startled. I ended up choking out, “I need to get away, go someplace,” and ended up sobbing my eyes out on the couch downstairs for maybe 10-15 minutes, in complete silence. Amazingly, that did the trick, thankfully. I dried my eyes, went back upstairs, told my husband I was feeling better, and fell asleep. It was initially terrifying, but it worked.

    I think of you every day. Seeing your posts is one of many joys in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m so sorry that you are in the state, but please know that you are not alone. When I lost my mother a few years ago I lost myself. I slipped into a very dark place, and I didn’t even realize how far away from my true self I had gotten. It’s a hard thing to grasp, but the first step is recognizing that you’re there, and you have done that! It’s not a “forever” thing. When I feel down I like to make lists of all of the things I’m grateful for. I write thank you notes to friends and family members who have stuck by me in trying times. I find things that bring me joy and I focus my attention on that. It takes time, but I eventually am able to pull myself out of the deep, dark hole I climbed into. I hope this helps in some way. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. I know you don’t know me yet, but I promise I’m a great listener!

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    1. Hey Kristian, Sorry, your comment seemed to have been put in the spam section. Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words. It has been 6 days since I wrote that post and admittedly, I do feel better. So you were right! Thank you for offering an ear, that means a lot. ❤

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  14. You put into words what I often post about. I feel like I am stuck in this place of wordless life. All of my thoughts are half-thoughts and I have a sense that I am behind myself, not above. I am bipolar but don’t relate it to my depression. I don’t know what the hell it is but I do know it is annoying. I feel like I have SO much to say but cannot make sense of what it is I feel. Gggrrr. Hopefully, this phase passes for you soon as it has stuck with me.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I get how you feel, I’m in that same place too, ironically it was the same for me last week as well. It’s okay to have depressive episodes, sometimes they just come out of nowhere and you feel like this is it, this is the end and I will never be happy again. And suddenly out of nowhere you come back out of your shell once again and naturally after being in the dark, you feel disoriented when you see the light once again. It’ll take time to get re-adjusted, and yes it probably will happen again. Just try and understand and search what caused it and how you can figure out how to manage it the next time it comes… I don’t want to say it won’t, but life is too unpredictable to place any certainty in anything. Hope you’re feeling better soon. X

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Sara, have you ever gotten therapy for your depression? I have been through major depression probably 2-3 times in my life and therapy was my way out. Once I needed medication for a while to help me through a difficult time, but I never would advocate meditation without good processing time with a social worker or therapist that can compassionately witness your pain and struggle and help you through it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have seen my GP who gave me some “break glass in case of emergency” pills, I was going to be put on the waiting list for therapy but it was too long and I was living between two countries. I am not in the position to seek therapy yet, but I hope it is in my future.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Have you tried meditating? I have felt like you have before and have found that the practice of meditation has really helped me to be calm enough to catch my emotions as they shift or start to rise. Good luck. We all struggle at different times in our lives, don’t be scared. You are aware and that is half the battle.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have, on he advisement of other. I haven’t found anything that works for me as of yet. I know meditation is not easily mastered though, at least I think that’s the case. My scatter brain makes trying to concentrate pretty difficult, but I suppose that is where practice comes in.

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