I cannot remember if I spoke of it recently, but last week I “lost it”, in a way that leaves me feeling ashamed just thinking about it. I became a person that I do not recognise and I find that there is nothing I can do about it.
I go through these depressive states more often than I would like to admit and each time it happens I frantically search for answers to prevent it reoccurring. The trouble is, I am caught in a cycle I can not seem to break from.
Depending on how badly I react during these times, I take a while to start feeling myself again. This time around I have left feeling scatter brained to the point where I can hardly form a sentence, either in my head, out loud and even just writing something down. It worries me that I struggle to articulate, it makes me wonder if I went too far.
This time around I have lost touch with myself, which means there is nobody to pull me back. At this point what am I to do? I feel like I can see myself floating mindlessly above me, without a care in the world. The problem is, I want to care and I do not know how to get my own attention to snap out of it.
To be honest I am not sure this is making sense. Every time I try and think, my thought trail leads to a total blank. Right now I can not think of anything to say, even though there is so much I would like to let out.
I sure hope this is not permanent. Without words, there is not much left of me. I don’t want to be a shell.
I am scared. I guess I will just have to wait and hope that I come to my senses.
The picture is one I took when I lived in the UK. There was a lake I used to visit to clear my head. It was so quiet and I could just be. Now I do not want the quiet, but it is all I have. Everything is backwards.
I really don’t know what I am saying, so I will leave it there.