Let’s Get Real

I would like to start a discussion, which personally I am going to find extremely difficult to bring up. I think I need to try because this is the root of my evil and I need to find a way to finally break this cycle.

As a precaution, I would warn you that I know I will not have been the only person who has gone through the things I am about to discuss and some might find this triggering. So please, proceed with caution.

I have recently realised the starting point of my mental health issues stems from the physical and mental abuse that I received as a child. This is not something I have ever openly talked about, simply because I felt guilty for “bad mouthing” said abuser. For the sake of elevating this guilt, I am not going to our right say who this is.

One reason I have never brought up this issue is that I thought to myself “So many people go through this, it’s probably normal”. I thought it was normal to be beaten as a kid and nobody talked about it. Obviously this was some skewed thinking and it has not helped me heal in any way. In my case, ignorant was not bliss. Ignorance just taught me to bottle up my feelings and lead me into an adulthood of bad relationships.

I do not want to be too graphic in sharing my experiences, I do not think that is productive. Since I was a child I was physically beaten and I do not just mean a slap on the bottom for being a bad girl, it was fists, fingernails and even metal poles. Worse than the physical altercations, the mental abuse is what I have carried with me my whole life. I recently discussed my childhood with my siblings and collected their experiences and shared my own. Learning things I have worked hard to forgot, I am beginning to realise where my negative behaviour is coming from. It is what I was taught. I was taught that even when I did no wrong, I had to apologise to diffuse a bad situation. I would get beaten for maybe giggling too loudly and then after that, I had to apologise. Even if I did nothing wrong and they were just annoyed, it would be receive a punishment and then apologise for doing nothing wrong.

A big fear I have is abandonment. I am constantly terrified that if things happened not to work out here in this foreign country, what would happen to me? I have been abandoned more than once. One instance resulted me being homeless for over a month. It was not an experience I would wish on anybody.

They eventually lost the power over me with physical abuse, they have never lost the power of mental abuse. Even now they play with my emotions and it feels like a game. I do not know if they are aware of what they are doing. They claim they do not remember ever doing anything bad in the past, they say they were on medication and they do not remember. I do not know if I believe them. There was a time a few years ago when they asked if they were a bad person when I was a child. I said no. I felt guilty at the thought of saying yes and thus I lost my only chance to face my abuser.

Facing them now is not something I want to do. Partly for the guilt but also because I really do not think it will do anything. This person is adamant in their ways and a master manipulator. It would just end up with me taking the blame and possibly apologising and it will leave me feeling worse.

The position I am in right now and the reason I am writing this post is that I want this person out of my life, for good. I am far enough away for this to be physically possible and they are conveniently ignoring me for no reason currently. Logic would say that this is my out. Just take it and move on, but why can I not?! They play this ignorant game for attention and I always stupidly play into it. On one hand I want to write a million word essay about what they put me through and how I feel about them and how as far as I am concerned they are dead to me, but if I did that, what kind of person would I be? I do not want to be like them and that is something they would do. My next option is perhaps delete their number so I can’t try and contact them again. They will be out of my phone, but please someone tell me, how do I get them out of my head?! I am desperate to forget them, but the harder I try, the more they take over my mind. Sometimes I feel like they will take over and I will become them. I do not want to be like them and I already see their traits in me. I am haunted by their effortless mental torture and I do not know how to make them go away.

Right now I am stuck and so I am asking for help. If you have successfully gotten yourself out of such a situation, how did you do it? I feel pathetic that even being thousands of miles away, they still have power over me without saying a word. I can not enjoy anything. They are always lingering at the back of my mind. It is my mind and I want it back.

I want closure and I do not think they will ever be so kind as to give it to me. Nor dare I ask. I wish they would text me and tell me the deluded reason they stopped talking to me and that they want nothing more to do with me. At least that would be closure. I have been inching towards this, but have been left rejected.

I have this amazing new start I should be taking with both hands and instead I am torturing myself.

Thank you for reading this if you did. Just know that I do not want sympathy. I need a resolution.

-Sara

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90 Comments

  1. We ALL feel your pain in ways that you exactly describe. When the time comes and you find order (Recovery), you won’t feel the tearing need to face your abuser in the first place. Self care, time and silence are the most effective pills you can take for this. Stay strong, sister.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Abuse is projective. Whatever happened to you had nothing to do with you, right? Interesting dichotemy, your reply.

        “I’m working on what you advise” only to end up feeling like “Failure”. You can only fail if you give up, which you haven’t. Keep rockin’ it, sister.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. This is such a difficult situation you have been placed in. I have a similar situation, but I am fortunate (or am I, I don’t know…) in that my abuser died many years ago. As such, I have had time to distance myself from the situation. I don’t think I ever fully processed it, and I don’t know if I really need to at this point. I have found my peace…. Though it was fully lacking in closure.

    I am very sorry, but I don’t have any clear suggestions for you. I do know that it helps to create new memories, to build a framework of your own design in which you feel comfortable. This should not be built on the past, or of the past, but rather in observation of the past, for a future that serves your needs.

    I think you are doing right by sharing, by reaching out and seeking input/support. I can offer only the smallest input, but in support, you have everything I can give. I know it seems insignificant, but so long as you keep in connection, as your friend, I will never abandon you. I know that doesn’t help with anxiety related to physical needs like housing and a place of belonging, but you will always have someone who cares about you and us willing to listen. I don’t think I am alone in this either… You have so many people here that care about you and will always be here to talk to.

    That is what I have. I hope that it is something you can use. Best wishes with your journey and stay well.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’m sorry for what you went through and I hope that I haven’t brought up anything that might hurt your feelings.

      I have always thought that their passing would be the only thing that would free me, as horrible as that sounds.

      I think in part, it has made me feel better to let it out. Like I said, I’ve spoken to my siblings about it, but as they’re in the same boat as me, resolution is not easily found.

      I know that you and so many others are there for me and I trust you which is why I decided to write this today. I really do appreciate your many acts of kindness. You’re an incredibly kind human being and the world is lucky to have you. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, you have not hurt me feelings at all. Sharing experiences is critical! I am thankful that you did, and that is easy helpful for you.

        Their passing cannot free you. THEY cannot free you in any way. You can free you. They don’t have that power, explicit or intrinsic. You have all the power. Remember that…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sara, as I read your profound discovery, what I see is the person has NOT forgotten what they have done, although that is what has been said. They are ignoring you because of the guilt they do not want to admit to and continue to face… So my dear, you hold the power-which I hope leads to an internal peace that the past, although it cannot be forgotten, no longer continues and moving forward-someone else’s behavior is not your fault…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. As much as I would like to believe that to be true, they aren’t ignoring me because they feel guilty. They’re doing it because they want me to chase them. It isn’t the first time and if I don’t break the cycle, it won’t be the last. I suppose in that sense the power is on my side as I can choose to stop chasing and do nothing, instead try and rebuild my life here.

      Your comment still holds a lot of value, so please don’t think otherwise. What you said was very uplifting and you are right about someone else’s behaviour not being my fault. I can only be responsible for my own and that is what I should focus on. Thank you for your advice, it is something I will definitely take on board.

      Like

  4. A vital step I feel could be acceptance of the fact some people transcend redemption. Which while horrible is just the reality of the human species. The whole time you have even a slight belief that you’re the one in the wrong or that there’s even a slight chance of forgiveness progression will be hindered. A clean and permanent break would be my recommendation but I’m a random internet using misanthrope rather than a psychologist so my perspective is probably not the best.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Silence. Ignore any future attempt from them to make contact. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen quickly. But over time, you’ll gain some measure of peace about it. Though, you’ll likely always have periodic reminders or triggers. But, with time, you’ll find those temporary and easily ignored.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. The easiest thing is that they never try. I am always first contact, so I won’t have to worry about needing to ignore anything. I guess it just hurts that that is the fact of it. You’re right though, at this point I need to stop trying to contact them and just try and get on with life. Which in reality is better without them. Again, it just hurts that that is the fact of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Can certainly understand and to a certain extent relate. Several years of psychotherapy helped me to begin to deal with some similar stuff, and I really recommend continuing to express yourself in writing (you don’t always have to publish it) or with a counsellor. It’s certainly going to be a process that will take time. But know that you are not alone, so many others are hurting too. You’re in my prayers.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I agree with what was said about making a clean break. I see no reason for you to face your abuser or keep them in your life if it isn’t necessary. Distancing yourself may be what you need to heal. I understand what you’re going through and just wanted to offer my two cents and {{hugs}}. Hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Your story is only all too true, too sad, and too unfair for the innocence of children. And yes, your abuser always turns it around to make it look like it was your fault. And how are you supposed to deal with that at a young age when you’re still trying to figure out what’s expected of you and what is not. Your trigger, no doubt. Accept, express, write your heart out, and then heal. With love, Deborah A Bowman

    Liked by 2 people

  9. My relationship with my father wasn’t what I would consider abusive, but it was very toxic. I stopped talking to him regularly when I was 12 and it took until I was around 20 to stop feeling guilty and like everything was my fault.

    If you want to cut someone out of your life, you just have to do it. It will take a long time to heal, but the cycle of thinking you can let them back in only to be betrayed again just makes it take longer to heal. Sometimes, you just have to accept that the relationship cannot be salvaged, and the other person will probably never own up to their mistakes. But you don’t need their understanding to justify your emotions.

    It’s just like a bad break-up; cut them out entirely and fill your life with other things.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. 😔

    Unfortunately for you and far too many others, the adversity of childhood can carry a lifelong emotional burden. While I’m sympathetic to your circumstances, each and everyone of us must figure out what our existence means to us. Verbalizing your thoughts and feelings is a huge step. Creating an image of self not tainted by those memories and experiences is the struggle. I’m certainly not the person to advise anyone on their particular circumstance, but I can tell you at 50 I began the journey of releasing my present self from my past emotions in order to make room for more of today. I simply decided that there was a better self within me, and it was my responsibility to uncover that better version of me. My heart goes out to your journey, and hopefully you find the faith within yourself to become your best self…😎

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Hugs! There is nothing you should feel guilty about. Sadly abuse has never gone away. I was abused by classmates, to an extent, growing up and it still messes in my head. The best thing to do is keep cut off from your abuser. Its good that you are sharing this out. Counseling will hopefully help when you are able, but don’t settle for the first one you try. Get a good vibe in that 1st appointment to go on, and if you don’t, then don’t feel you are forced to stay with THAT counselor. If you need, keep shopping til you find the right one for you. More hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you went through that. It’s not fair for any child to have to deal with such things when growing up is hard enough on its own. Counselling is definitely a step I want to take and I agree that it has to be the right person. Thank you. 🙂

      Like

  12. I wrote a letter. I wanted closure. I wanted this person to know that no matter what, contacting me ever again was not an option. I wanted it to be rock solid. It did not go quite as I had planned as the rest of my family was outraged and they chose to nolonger speak to me again either. But it did work. The letter accomplished what I wanted and I never heard from him again. It did come with consequences of accusations, denial, hurtful words. Those I was not ready for. If I had to do it again I would do the same thing. I would just go in prepared for a little more repercussions and not so black and white of a resolution.
    Not writing the letter meant, for me, I was always waiting for that contact or that surprise and I didn’t want that anymore even though, like you, I am far away from him now. I needed to feel heard although I don’t think he ever did hear me. But in your post you specifically asked for resolutions and I wanted to share with you my resolution and what worked for me. I hope this helps. I’ll leave all the emotion out even though I really want to send some loving words but I know that’s not what you are asking for. I feel the same way in many situations like this. I want help, answers, solutions, troubleshooting and lets just bypass all the other stuff for now. I hope you get some ideas that you connect with and that help you to make the choice you want to make

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I do think a letter is a great idea, only I would write it but not send it. I don’t think I’m strong enough to stand the repercussions, but writing the letter might be of some help. I am sorry it did not turn out exactly the way you planned, but you are very brave for doing what you did. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Having gone through this and far more, I understand completely your dilemma. My abusers (mostly are long gone). When you are ready, talk to someone who can assist in the right way. Even though it is the past, it lingers affecting your emotions, thoughts, feelings and if left unhandled, can become destructive. You deserve more! YOU did nothing wrong! In my mind, there is NO EXCUSE for atrocious behaviour. You are right though, they are so in denial they will probably never accept responsibility for what they’ve done. Please, DO NOT take that responsibility on as you. It’s easy to blame yourself because you have felt for so long, been made to believe, that you were at fault. You were a child, innocent and sweet. Nothing, NOTHING you could have said or did warranted abuse on ANY level. If you wish to talk more, please email me, and we can chat.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. CONTENT ALERT: Mention of sex abuse, rape & domestic violence (NOTHING GRAPHIC)

    Sara, you’re describing people I know! Mine choose psychological & emotional manipulation most, but those lay the groundwork for physical to be perceived as acceptable. Which happened for me. Add sexual abuse daily for my first decade of life and 36 rapes between ages 13 and 37, and some other random ick, and you’d have my variation on today’s theme.

    While it demonstrates your full humanity (and the typical empath nature abusers feed on), your ability to understand the difference between intentional and drugged or conditioned behavior is wonderful proof you have zero to be guilty or ashamed of.

    I’ve come to the conclusion (having needed psych meds myself long ago & not needing them now) is that medication taking or having a mental illness are NOT excuses to abuse others. As a matter of fact, they are reasons to work hard to expose your own shadows to the light and ruthlessly find the need they didn’t get met and then meet it. This is called re-parenting, by some.

    Most evil in the world is done by so called same people simply because they choose to believe they are right at all costs and whatever makes them comfortable or gives them pleasure is correct. And some ‘normal’ folks enjoy destroying others.

    Example: There was a man who did gas chamber operating at a Nazi death camp. He was given a full psych workup and was found mentally balanced and ‘healthy.’

    Amazing how far a comfortable normal person will go to stay safe and comfortable. Most evil behaviors are rooted in fear of losing comfortable or safe perceptions. Argh.

    Best practice most of our fellow survivors who now thrive share having done is cutting contact with the problem person entirely.

    That doesn’t just mean deleting their phone number. It means not answering the phone if the number isn’t in your phone with a Name You Trust attached. It means changing your number. Keeping it unlisted at all if it’s a land line and not giving it to people the cut off personcan easily manipulate to get it.

    It means, sometimes for a short time, sometimes forever,; that hyperawareness of anything that is from or related to them in your mind will become more alarming (or is it you’ll discover precisely HOW alarming they are to you once you’re not bombarded with their behavior daily? I think this second one is more correct) to you.

    I had7 years of bliss. No contact. My husband beat me daily. (We’re divorced now – yay!) But I existed in my own right. I wasn’t an extension of someone else and existing solely to be at their beck and call responsible for their existence and it’s quality. 😦

    How sad is it when the best time of your life you’re being hit all the time? I don’t enjoy that. But I was Real for once in my life. And I wasn’t being made out to be a disobedient part of the husband. I was me. And ‘I’ was what offended him.

    Yeah. One well learned lesson of my childhood is that I don’t exist as a separate entity from certain people. That being real and not their perception of what I am is evil, a crime, dirty, etc.

    I don’t share to make you feel like you endured more or less. I’ve learned pain is pain. And there is NO comparison. I share mine so you know I am QUALIFIED to sit with you and honor your truth. I’ve been down this road too. You’re not alone. And I’m VERY PROUD OF YOU for taking these thought steps toward getting yourself safe.

    Hugs as you want them. Internet tea or your favorite comforting beverage of choice.

    You are WORTHY.
    You are LOVED.
    And most importantly, YOU ARE WORTHY OF NON-ABUSIVE LOVE NOW AND FOR FOREVER.

    ~Toad

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Toad. I could tell from the get go how strong a person you are. You are filled to the brim with care and compassion. Thank you for the advice and I will take all of what you say into consideration. Thank you for being understanding.

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      1. ‘Being understanding’ is what outsiders do when they can’t understand. They perform it. So called healthy people perform empathy.

        But most don’t have it as an innate quality. (If they did, therapy wouldn’t be necessary for anybody!) While insisting they do. And that those of us who suffer at their hands are not.

        I can only understand because I’ve walked a road similar to yours. Your healing is worth my risking being mocked to be vulnerable and share the fact that I’ve walked the same road.

        Anyway. I’ll shut up now.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Unfortunately, you’re right about so many of us going through violence as children. As a child there was violence in our home, it really messed me up internally. I’m older now but years ago I forgave the man. And forgiveness is never a matter of agreeing what happened. I hated him for years but I didn’t see that the hatred was still damaging my spirit.
    But in order for me to forgive I went through a change internally. It began with a faith experience. Im not preaching here, I hate when people preach. But I accepted that God loved me. I mean really down in the core of my being. I’m not even talking about joining a church. But I knew that I knew, I was loved. Because of that I could view things differently, and eventually forgive. I was able to walk in a new sense of freedom. I hope that makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is amazing that you found faith. Telling your story doesn’t make for preaching and I applaud anyone who finds their way using any positive means. I am happy that you were able to find the strength through you faith, enough to forgive. Thank you for sharing your story.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve not had a situation like the one you describe, I’ve not really had any enemies when growing up. Sure some bad things have happened, some fights in high school with other kids etc. but not so bad that I’d give it much thought. But still I do think that I know how you can make your situation better.

    When I was 19 I were quite the ordinary guy, I didn’t dislike my parents but I felt the need of getting away, just to be able to live my own life and become my own person. I chose a university qutie far away from home and thus ended up so far away that I had to take care of myself.

    I think that you shouldn’t think about being silent or about what to do about this situation. You are already at another place and I think you should start opening more doors for yourself. The more you grow as a person the further you get from your previous situation. When you have choises, when you decide for yourself what you want to do in the now and in the future, you truly rule over yourself.

    I think that getting a job or a part time job is a good start. And if you haven’t taken university studies yet then it would be smart to take some education towards a profession or field you’d like to work in. Perhaps text design or information design? In this area you would get closer to a job in the field as well as getting skills you could use while writing a book or designing your blog, a win-win situation. 🙂

    Whatever you do I think that it’s important not to sit still. Learn new things, go to the gym, take courses and progress in your career and allow yourself to bloom fully. As you do this you’ll become more and more your own independent person and you’ll feel less bound by external things. By creating a secure foundation where you are now, by keeping bettering yourself and getting more social contacts you’ll always have a home where you are now. When you feel strong in yourself it’s much harder for anyone or anything to tear you down.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I think there is no substitute for a good therapist when you have been through traumatic experiences as a child. Having someone to witness your struggle and be able to hold the space for the grief and pain you need to release is critical. I don’t know much about you, so if you have already done that, and are not feeling relief, then you need to find a different therapist. This is very important. All of these things need to be processed and grieved, or it will be hard to move forward in your life.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Gotta support my survivor/thrive siblings. I’ve got useful websites on my reference list if you’d like them. All free self teaching and peer support tools. So if you feel up for them at some point, message me at my email. You’re stronger than you think. You’ve survived all the stuff in your life. Being amazing at life is your superpower.

        I say that to EVERYONE HERE. Just because we don’t see how incredible our survival skills are or how much stronger than our abusers we are does not mean we aren’t strong.

        Just means we haven’t looked at our choices without the context of the lies we’ve been taught about ourselves.

        Nobody here is weak. I see some warriors commenting here! Rock on, angels!

        Liked by 2 people

  18. Not much I can say that hasn’t been said already here, but you know i’m in your corner whenever needed.

    So I suggest you go ahead and cut them off, delete the number/address. Block them online and maybe even tell them you’re doing so and why. That is closure, not given by them but self imposed by you. That shows you’re moving on and content about it.

    I’ve suffered from psychological and physical abuse in the past, mostly from school. Luckily it’s easier moving forward from that, as school ends and you can cut contact.

    Hope you find a solution that suits you, but don’t feel guilty for something they did. It’s not your fault x

    Liked by 2 people

  19. My first ten years were quite difficult as well, young lady. It seemed our birth father was drunk all the time, and beat us to make himself feel better. I had to spend two complete years in the burn ward at the Lincoln NE burn center because of his negligence. The year after I got out of there, he ran over my sister Janet with the tractor and broke her back. He broke both of my younger brothers arms by flinging them and grabbing them, and even once, Terry’s leg. Eddie was beaten so severely about the head and shoulders, we think it created his retardation.
    I was 11 years old before I realized my mother wasn’t purple, as after a year away from him, her bruises healed.
    Life can be very terrible for so many children, and it isn’t until we understand our abusers motivation before we can actually make sense of it all.
    In my birth father’s case, he had lost a leg in the 2nd WW, and never regained the feeling he was a complete man again. So he drank, and then anger became rage.
    Rage, means out of control, and therefore not actually of his doing. But we didn’t talk about mental health in the 50’s, or PTSD, which could have caught the symptoms much earlier.

    I feel for you young one, I do. And I hope that whatever you’re keeping inside, gets out before it manifests within you as well. And this is a great place to start.
    My foster mother was a college grad (4 years), and became a nurse before leaving her ‘2-timing’ doctor husband, moving from TX to CA, where she met Mr. O’Leary, our foster dad. But momma was very smart and understood things we could not during our teen years.
    As she explained the agonies which my birth father harbored, and loss of control through rage, I was able to release the hatred I held for him my whole life to that point.
    I was already in the Corps when Schreiber wrote her book Sybil (1973), and mom gave me her copy to read in 1974. I really did have it easy compared to others, after reading that.
    But I always feared the multi-personality thing with women ever since, as they are encouraged to have them. I did not shelter my children, as I explained the terrible things that would happen to them if they were ever abducted, or found themselves in an abusive relationship.

    Damn, just a minute, I got jam on my mouse and it’s too sticky now.
    So I’m hoping that each of these notes you write, whether to us, or to yourself, helps you come to grips, that as a child, nothing is our fault. And sometimes not of our abusers as well. And that mental illness is real, as it is through those episodes which we’ve been subjected to, that they become a part of our lives.
    I wrote you a story for your challenge ‘the light’, so you can see that we all have characters within us. But I hope they remain just characters for when we put pen to paper. I also have found for me, that sunshine is my greatest healer, and I hope you find lots of it.
    namkcorb.wordpress.com

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Aww man, Phil. It seems you have been through it all. I am glad to see you managed to come out of all of your bad experiences and very decent man. It is plain to see. Thank you for showing me that no matter what, if we choose to be good people, then that is what we can become. I will have a look at your story ASAP. Thank you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  20. How incredibly brave of you to share this. It is imho the first step in being able to heal. Yes, close that door. Take your self back. I have been physically abused, although it was not viewed as abuse at the time it was “discipline” but there was rage involved. I have forgiven them and I place it on them to make amends if they find a need to for their own spiritual fitness. There still is a chasm in the relationship that may never be healed. I’ve done my part. Thank you, Sara, this is your chance to move on provided by your will and conscious desire for it to happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I detest the term “discipline” as an excuse to become violent towards a child. Regardless of what a child has done, which a parent deems wrong, violence is never the answer. They learn from the parent and so the parent should instead teach them what is right. I’m sorry you had to endure that. Thank you for sharing it, it is never fun to talk about.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. One of the hardest things in the world is to stop that tape that plays in your head over and over again. Mine use to tell me how stupid I was. How I was always ruining everything. No one wants to hear about my problems because they don’t care. It was not until this year that I finally was able to face what happened to me and how I continued to sabotage myself. In being willing to look inward, to face what I feared, to finally accept what had happened has given me a new lease on life. I am able to let go. I am able to forgive myself. And that is a big thing, forgiving yourself. I work on this every day. You are not alone in this matter. And there is always someone who will be willing to listen to you and hold you while you cry. Unless in therapy because that would be illegal. (I hope that made you smile at least a little)
    Sending you hugs a ton of them to brighten your day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It did make me chuckle. I’m sorry that you had to go through anything, but I am glad that you are moving away from that and becoming the best person you can be. You are very kind and genuine and you have helped me a lot since we started interacting, if anybody tells you differently then they don’t deserve to be in your life. Thank you, Jay-lyn.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. You made me get teary eyed. It hurts me when I see you hurting even though we have never met. I hurts me to see anyone hurting from the same things that I have gone through and I want to help so badly. There are days I wish that I had a magic wand that could ease everyones pains and hurt. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

  22. Doesnt matter the time.
    morning noon or night.
    Rain or shine there is a
     constant
    like it was abandoned
    By life.
    No movement or flickering.
    Not practicality bright.
    The reason for this light.
    Blows my mine.
    Awakens the Sherlock inside.
    I must find,  the reason for this light.
    Curiosity will haunt me no longer
    I am not gonna ponder anymore
    I’m going over there, where
    This light is so persistent.
    My heart racing by the door man.

    It’s on the forth floor
    To the left,
    The elevator seem to take forever.
    The door bings open,
    Straight a head,
    Is the aswer to my mystery.
    I pass several apartments
     the last one had no door.
      Just a dull curtain and
    A small plaque marked the entrence
    Labeled  Forgotten Hero’s
    The light that intrigued my mystery
    Was a memorial to
    3 fire fighters that tragically died
    The exact day and year I was born
    Crazy coincident or just creepy
    The way this light called me to
    This eary ironic discovery

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Sara your story has reminded me of my childhood. Though the unpleasant memories don’t leave me, yet I have started ignoring them. I had to totally change my thought process in order to remove them. Infact you can try an alternative therapy which I underwent few months back and it helped me a lot. Google for ‘ Manovikas’ and contact Dr. Prasad Manovikas. I hope you will find peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Sara, I am new to your blog, and I am so sorry to read what you have been through. That is absolutely horrible, and I am sure that what you are describing is probably just the bare tip of everything.

    I wish I had a solution to share in this comment, but what you are searching for is healing, and I know nothing I say can grant that. All I can do is point, and say, “you are not alone, so please do not ever feel isolated, or like you are the only person suffering. Many people are. Healing is possible, it just takes time, and lots of work. You are lovable and loved, even if these people sent all the wrong messages. Try not to look for answers from dysfunctional people. You will likely never get them, and trying just hurts. But you are worth healing, so I am glad you are starting the journey, and I hope that you stay on it.”

    I would recommend starting to learn about psychology and finding a good counselor where you are. Spend time taking care of you. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are welcome. I hope that all goes well for you. If you wish, think of this: the plant may grow with water and sun, but the seed grows in the dark, with water and dirt. MUD. Hang in there. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  25. I don’t have solutions but I see you have some great ones already, what I commented to say is; don’t worry that you’ll turn into them, by the simple fact that you are questioning your behaviour and want to change shows that you will never, ever become them.
    Good luck in your quest, I hope you find the closure you deserve.

    Liked by 3 people

  26. I’ve cut off my family. I’ve experienced similar. The fear of abandonment is probably the tether that is preventing your closure?
    I have three suggestions:
    Short term anxiety medication to alleviate the anxiety around abandonment so that you can effectively start counselling and cut the ties without panic.
    2. Counselling
    3. Writing a letter to them closing the relationship and maybe forgiving them (forgiveness is useful for you to move on, I struggle with this. The letter doesn’t have to be sent, you can keep it in a box?)
    A letter to yourself from your future self, giving you words of wisdom and positives about your future)
    Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  27. So many others have chimed in already, but I wanted to put my hat in the ring, so to speak.

    As far as resolutions/solutions, I certainly agree with writing a letter to the one or those that have hurt you. You have already taken one step forward by writing this courageous post. I have written two similar letters in my life – One to John, and one to Justin. The healing I felt afterward was amazing.

    I was in a relationship with John from 2006-2010. We started dating in our senior year of high school, when we attended different schools. He chose the same university as me, and off we went. Once he got me away from my family and my church, he began to manipulate me and abuse me. I didn’t fully realize what was truly happening until 2009, when he started accusing me of cheating on him, invading my privacy at least twice, and nearly raping me when I decided that I didn’t want to have unprotected sex with him. He hit me twice in the summer of 2010, which happened to be the week that I broke up with him. I made an escape plan, and it all went to shit. My mom nearly lost it, thinking he had kidnapped me. Thankfully, I had the good sense to not agree to see him the next day, and I broke it all off via text message. That was the only way. I immediately broke off all contact, and started picking up the pieces. July 17, 2010 was the day I started to restore the relationship with my mom, many of my friends, and with God.

    With Justin, we were classmates during my last two semesters of college. We had several mutual friends. After I graduated, we didn’t talk much. But, once three couples started to get together and hang out more often in 2014, he started following my blog and wanting to engage with me almost exclusively via Facebook Messenger. That was a red flag that I missed. I started to get wrapped up in his world, and he slowly manipulated me into changing my behaviors at work, at home, and with my now-husband. He started a pen-pal correspondence with me, too. Finally, Al confronted me in 2015, when we were newly engaged. I promised to stop one line of communication. Al made me see that Justin was starting to drive a wedge between us, which was not good, considering we were getting married in a few months. Unfortunately, I continued engaging in nearly-constant Facebook messages with Justin for months, even after Al and I married. It all came to a head in early 2016, when Justin confessed to his girlfriend of our messages and interactions. She requested (rightfully so) that we stop speaking for a while, and I agreed. It was really painful, like I was in withdrawal. But, I’m grateful that Justin took that step forward, because I wasn’t sure if I would have been able to do so. He broke off that communication, and then he and his girlfriend both blocked me entirely. That hurt, a lot, but it was the best thing they could have done at that point. I haven’t heard from either of them in nearly two years, and I’m grateful. It was a toxic environment, and no good was going to come out of it. It was a crazy 18 months that were selfish and greedy on my part, and I say that only because I now understand that Justin manipulated me into thinking that it was okay to have a clandestine online relationship. It absolutely wasn’t okay. I also apologized to Al. With a lot of time, and a lot of prayer, I have let go of the guilty feelings, and I am no longer ashamed.

    I have forgiven myself, and I have forgiven John and Justin. During my interactions with Justin, I was seeing a counselor in the summer of 2015 to resolve some feelings I was having about John, and my upcoming wedding. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and that answered so many questions for me. Seeing Nancy at that critical point in my life was such a blessing, and I look back on it with pride and courage. I needed it, and I’m so glad that I recognized that need. I’m grateful that I married my patient, understanding, and practical husband, Al, and I’m convinced that our relationship is so strong because we rely on each other. We communicate freely, and knowing that I can talk to him about anything, at any time, is a godsend.

    My very long comment will conclude with this: You are brave. You are strong. You are far more courageous than many I know. You are amazing. You will heal!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, Laura Beth. Thank you for opening up. I am glad that you managed to move away from all of that and you are happy with your husband. You really never know what happens behind closed doors. I am feeling stronger and braver by the day. Thank you so much for this.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so welcome. I fully believe that sharing my story with others is helpful, and it makes me feel braver and stronger each time. It also makes me see how far I’ve come! I’m so, so glad you’re feeling braver and stronger – I’m doing a happy dance here in Virginia for you!!

        Liked by 1 person

  28. I can’t say what you should do in this sort of situation; I can only tell you what I did in mine, and hope it helps. First: delete them from the phone. E-mail contacts. Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Goodreads friends lists. Flush them entirely. If there’s someone in your life that would try to defend them or conduct “recon” or bridge repair for them, they need to go to. Complete quarantine from the individual.

    Writing down your feelings on the subject, whether as a letter to them or yourself about it, might be helpful, but I’ve found that it can just as easily turn on you, forcing you to relieve it all with no net gain. Sending it to them or demanding any form of apology or atonement is only ripping open wounds that weren’t closed properly to begin with, and – to continue the medical analogy – only lets more infection seep in. Not worth it, in my opinion.

    It may not be easy, but complete, quiet lockout has had the best results for me. Like several others here I would also recommend some form of counseling when you can; a lot of employers offer low-cost or free services of this type, so it might be worth looking into for you.

    Best of luck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Great advice and certainly what I will follow. Fortunately (And sadly) they contacted me this week just to inform me never to contact them and they are done, what I did from thousands of miles away, who knows? But at this point I care not am more relieved.

      Liked by 1 person

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