I would like to start a discussion, which personally I am going to find extremely difficult to bring up. I think I need to try because this is the root of my evil and I need to find a way to finally break this cycle.
As a precaution, I would warn you that I know I will not have been the only person who has gone through the things I am about to discuss and some might find this triggering. So please, proceed with caution.
I have recently realised the starting point of my mental health issues stems from the physical and mental abuse that I received as a child. This is not something I have ever openly talked about, simply because I felt guilty for “bad mouthing” said abuser. For the sake of elevating this guilt, I am not going to our right say who this is.
One reason I have never brought up this issue is that I thought to myself “So many people go through this, it’s probably normal”. I thought it was normal to be beaten as a kid and nobody talked about it. Obviously this was some skewed thinking and it has not helped me heal in any way. In my case, ignorant was not bliss. Ignorance just taught me to bottle up my feelings and lead me into an adulthood of bad relationships.
I do not want to be too graphic in sharing my experiences, I do not think that is productive. Since I was a child I was physically beaten and I do not just mean a slap on the bottom for being a bad girl, it was fists, fingernails and even metal poles. Worse than the physical altercations, the mental abuse is what I have carried with me my whole life. I recently discussed my childhood with my siblings and collected their experiences and shared my own. Learning things I have worked hard to forgot, I am beginning to realise where my negative behaviour is coming from. It is what I was taught. I was taught that even when I did no wrong, I had to apologise to diffuse a bad situation. I would get beaten for maybe giggling too loudly and then after that, I had to apologise. Even if I did nothing wrong and they were just annoyed, it would be receive a punishment and then apologise for doing nothing wrong.
A big fear I have is abandonment. I am constantly terrified that if things happened not to work out here in this foreign country, what would happen to me? I have been abandoned more than once. One instance resulted me being homeless for over a month. It was not an experience I would wish on anybody.
They eventually lost the power over me with physical abuse, they have never lost the power of mental abuse. Even now they play with my emotions and it feels like a game. I do not know if they are aware of what they are doing. They claim they do not remember ever doing anything bad in the past, they say they were on medication and they do not remember. I do not know if I believe them. There was a time a few years ago when they asked if they were a bad person when I was a child. I said no. I felt guilty at the thought of saying yes and thus I lost my only chance to face my abuser.
Facing them now is not something I want to do. Partly for the guilt but also because I really do not think it will do anything. This person is adamant in their ways and a master manipulator. It would just end up with me taking the blame and possibly apologising and it will leave me feeling worse.
The position I am in right now and the reason I am writing this post is that I want this person out of my life, for good. I am far enough away for this to be physically possible and they are conveniently ignoring me for no reason currently. Logic would say that this is my out. Just take it and move on, but why can I not?! They play this ignorant game for attention and I always stupidly play into it. On one hand I want to write a million word essay about what they put me through and how I feel about them and how as far as I am concerned they are dead to me, but if I did that, what kind of person would I be? I do not want to be like them and that is something they would do. My next option is perhaps delete their number so I can’t try and contact them again. They will be out of my phone, but please someone tell me, how do I get them out of my head?! I am desperate to forget them, but the harder I try, the more they take over my mind. Sometimes I feel like they will take over and I will become them. I do not want to be like them and I already see their traits in me. I am haunted by their effortless mental torture and I do not know how to make them go away.
Right now I am stuck and so I am asking for help. If you have successfully gotten yourself out of such a situation, how did you do it? I feel pathetic that even being thousands of miles away, they still have power over me without saying a word. I can not enjoy anything. They are always lingering at the back of my mind. It is my mind and I want it back.
I want closure and I do not think they will ever be so kind as to give it to me. Nor dare I ask. I wish they would text me and tell me the deluded reason they stopped talking to me and that they want nothing more to do with me. At least that would be closure. I have been inching towards this, but have been left rejected.
I have this amazing new start I should be taking with both hands and instead I am torturing myself.
Thank you for reading this if you did. Just know that I do not want sympathy. I need a resolution.