Something occurred to me today as I was casually washing the dishes and thinking on the subject of closure. This discovery probably should have been obvious and to those of you who read my posts regularly, you probably knew this about me before I did.
I, Sara of LaLa Land am a problem finder. What I mean by this is, if something is not wrong, then something is not right.
I am so used to there being obstacles, issues, hurdles, struggles, whatever you want to call it, that when I am in the position to sit back and enjoy life without all of the above, I simply cannot!
Today I realised myself creating a new problem as a replacement for something else that I had managed to put out of my mind. This might be the first time I have noticed myself do it and I just thought “What the hell am I doing?”
My fixations are getting the better of me, but I feel that the more I am aware of my behaviour, the more I come to cotton on to my strange ways of thinking. I am absolutely the creator of my own downfall and this point in my life. So, what do I do? Well, have several words with myself first off. And believe me, that is what I have been doing. I have given myself more telling off than I ever received in school. Fear not though, for I am not being hard on myself. I am not going to throw myself into the winds of depression. I am simply giving myself what I have always lacked, for lack of a better phrase, I am giving myself a ‘swift kick up the arse.’
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the flowers are emerging from spring’s soil, so why am I not taking this opportunity to go out and witness that amazingness? Why am I sitting here thinking about what I could have said to someone ten years ago? I imagine the first reason is because I am human, and this is one of the less desirable traits of being human. The second reason and one I have way more control over is habit. Like I said I am used to a life of woes and so all I know is woe. It does not mean it has to be that way and so I am choosing no. I am going to put on my jacket, put on my shoes, put on some music and walk out of my front door. I am going to feel the breeze, smell the delicious food that comes from the nearby restaurants, I am going to listen to the chatter of the locals. That last part is a fabrication, I will be listening to music and hoping not to be noticed. One step at a time!
From this revelation, I hope that I can catch those trickling thoughts before they act more often. Who knows, the new me, No. The real me, might be just around the corner.
Until next time, have a beautiful day.
(Photo: A rare sighting of me out in the wild circa 2016. I miss that jacket, I do not know what happened to it!)