Recently I have found myself caught up in a whirlwind of negativity. What is worse that it has not been from an outside source, it has all been me.
I have been fixating on all things negative, that it has become my world. This is the biggest step back I have taken in a long time. It is only in the last couple of days that I realised what I have been doing and thinking is completely counterproductive and also harmful.
My negativity has stemmed from all possible places. I have been obsessed with all things I deem as physical flaws. Which is a lot when you have the talent to find the worst in everything. I got to the point where I genuinely hated myself. I hated the way I look, I hated the way I think, I hated that I let my mental health issues take the spotlight.
I could not look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I could not think a single thought without being consumed with anxiety.
It was pretty obvious I have been in a bad place.
I got myself into a place where I was convinced that everything was going to wrong and I have been so upset about it that I became closed off. Things that have not happened yet, I expected the worst for.
Yesterday I had a new thought, one that inadvertently slipped to the forefront of my mind “You’re spending all of this time dreading the worst, but you know, it can also turn out to be great!” And then, something clicked. This is true. So true and so obvious that I could have kicked myself for not thinking it sooner. I have discussed before that I have a hard time living in the now and this is an extreme example of that.
Bad things happen, but good things happen too. You have to take them as they come.
I was listening to the Baz Luhrmann song Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen). A song that recites an essay written by journalist Mary Schmich. There is a particular part in that song that always makes me think when I hear it:
“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4PM on some idle Tuesday.”
These words are powerful to me and always ring true when I find myself in a state of uncontrollable anxiety. If I had a penny for every moment I spent worrying about everything, anything and nothing, I would be a rich girl.
Now I find myself here with a new realisation and a new lesson to learn. I fell off the horse hard this time, but that does not mean I have to be down forever.
I am standing on my two feet now and it is a start. What I have to remember is that I have been through way worse than this and I survived that.
I wrongly labelled myself as weak and as soon as that thought was planted in my mind, the weakness started to grow until I was the epitome of weak.
A temporary setback. I am glad to say this, because just last week I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. It is hard to do with your eyes closed and so, now my eyes are wide open.
I need to remind myself that setbacks happen and that is okay. Sometimes I will have a bad day and that is okay. Handle them as they come. In the meantime, enjoy your life. Explore your passions, make the most of your time, smile more, learn, show appreciation for what you have, because you are a very lucky person. And I am, with weakness came the inability to see all of the wonderful things I am fortunate to have.
This journey is going to be a long one, but I have amazing support and if I take it a step at a time, then I know I can make it. I need to learn to love myself again both on the inside and out and I need to get out of my head more.
It’s official, I am back and it is time to take this blog back to a place where it screams positivity and creativity, because that is what I love and I am sure it is what you prefer too.
Until next time, thank you for sticking by me.