I have never really had a voice. What I mean by that is I have never been in the position to be heard.
I come from a reasonable large family. One of four siblings, growing up in a family of six including my parents. Now each of said family members had a voice and a big personality of their own. All, except for me. It is not that I did not try, it is just that my voice was drowned out by everybody else’s. This led me to become quiet and introverted, which to this day, I still am. Because I was so quiet as a child, I was very closed off.
I was never taught to talk through my thoughts and feelings. In fact, I thought it was normal to shout and become aggressive to voice my feelings. Still, because I had the smallest voice, I was never heard and eventually just gave up trying to be heard. I began to internalise everything, because I never had anybody to talk to. I ended up living in my own world. I would imagine myself in scenarios where I would be rescued from the world I found myself in. Unfortunately, it never happened. I have however frequented Lala Land since I was very young.
This carried over into my adult life, still unsure how to deal with my inner turmoil, I began to express myself in the ways I witnessed as a child. I would express myself in a verbally aggressive manner. I did not know any different. I thought it was normal, that was until I stepped into the real world and discovered it was not in fact normal.
Seeing as I knew practically nothing of expressing myself like a normal human being, I lost a lot of friends and was involved in some toxic relationships. Ones where I would not speak up for myself at all, or I was the complete opposite, because I thought I was sticking up for myself. My childhood environment, for lack of a better word, fucked up my ability to socialise.
Fast forward to 2017, five years of soul searching, discovering the real world, finally being able to speak of and let go of my past. I found myself in a place where I wanted to let go in a healthy way. This led me here, to WordPress. I wrote whatever was on my mind. In the form of poetry, or basic telling’s from my heart to your eyes. The response I got was like nothing I had ever received before. People, they cared, about me. They wanted to hear what I had to say, they accepted my words without judgement and instead of scolding me, they offered me advice and encouragement.
For a good year I integrated blogging into my routine, sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world and getting nothing but love in return. Finally, I had a voice!
One of my other fatal flaws is that when I realise I have something, my self-sabotaging self wants to destroy it and take it away, because unfortunately, I am used to being on the receiving end of misfortune.
You may have noticed my silence over the last few months. I have rarely posted and otherwise not shown face. I did not realise until this morning it is because I have a voice. Since subconsciously knowing so, I have put so much pressure on myself to use it in a certain way, that it has caused this block between me and my writing.
And so now, I find myself here. I am pondering what to do from this moment forward. I know that I love writing and I feel empty without it. I know that I can write, I have been posting blogs for way over a year. I guess all I can do now is sit here and see what transpires.
The journey begins again and even saying that gives me butterflies. I am sorry I have been gone for so long, but rest assured, I am back. I want to thank every single one of you for always being amazing to me. It is more than I deserve and I want to show you how grateful I am by working hard to bring this little corner of mine back to life.
Until next time, I missed you!