Ladies and gentlemen,
Sara has figured something out, again, quelle surprise…
Anyhoo, If you have been following me for a while, you will no my constant battle with my own mind. The thing that one assumes would be your partner in crime, your best friend, your confidant, not your worse enemy. I will not and have never assumed that this is a isolated problem. I am sure that this fact counts for a lot of us, but of course I can only tell things from my own perspective. The beauty of this is that you wonderful human beings share your views with me and it helps me to broaden my perspective. I always say I am and will remain grateful for having the support that I receive here.
So, what is today’s revelation? probably nothing significant and very likely something that is well known that my slow self took too long to realise: Not worrying does not mean you do not care. What, seriously?! Yes, seriously! At this point you are probably wondering what on earth I am babbling on about. I am, or was, an extremely anxious person. If I am not worrying about something, then I feel like something is wrong, like it will creep up to me in the darkness and yell “BOO!” A rather backwards notion of course and something I have been working on remedying. It has been going well, so well that I have actually had a taste of real happiness for the first time, ever.
What is the problem then? You may ask. The problem is that this enemy brain of mine thrives on negativity and it is not until recently that I realised that it my brain and it ought to work in harmony with me and I have to teach myself to do so.
Let me explain further, you have individuals that will perform actions on a whim, they will do things without thinking of the consequences and of course it can pan out either way.
Then there is me, I am the complete opposite. I think about everything, I overthink. Not just for big decisions, but for menial life tasks such as getting up to get a glass of water. I will over analyse the pros and cons of hydrating myself instead of just standing up, walking to the kitchen and getting water. Now imagine this but with every single daily task. That is what my brain occupies itself with and I usually follow suit.
If I am honest, a lot of it is because I am lazy and procrastination is a big factor in my wasted thoughts. As I am conditioned to this way of thinking, it becomes a real struggle to comprehend anything that would be considered a “real problem”. I am so overwhelmed by even the thought of change that I simply run away from it. I accept this and have currently been working on a way to recondition my mind to ‘just do it’, instead of sitting there pondering what ifs of every single tiny thing. It is tiring to say the least!
I am waiting on a piece of substantial news. This news could either go in my favour or against me. Usually, in the past I have only come up to this hurdle. I have never taken the plunge to try because I always envisioned it would go badly, so what was the point in trying?
On my journey to be a better me (Although I admit I did put it off for months) I crossed that first hurdle. A step into the unknown. A decision left to others which will potentially change my life as I know it.
Ordinarily I would be terrified. There would be nights of sleepless nights, anxiety through the roof. I would close myself off and become a shell of myself. Yeah, fear is not fun. This time, for the first time I am going about my days as any other day, working on self improvement and actually, I am rather excited to receive the news, good or bad, so I can figure out what to do next. I know I am being vague on the subject, but I do not feel it is time to share yet. When the time is right, you will know.
This year is the happiest I have ever been. The feeling of true happiness, not replicating what I think happiness should be.
It has taken a lot. I have had to cut out a lot of toxicity, but I will tell you for nothing that no matter how hard that is, it is inevitably worth it. Having the right people around you on your journey in this thing called life is extremely important. Something that I learnt later in life, but it is still valuable advice to adopt, no matter when you learn it.
I will continue to try and keep up this new found attitude. It is slowly becoming less of a chore and more of a pleasure, that has to be a good sign.
I want to thank you all again for sticking by me through these ups and down, always offering love, support and kind words. It means the world to me.
Until next time, do not be afraid of life, it can be a wonderful thing.